THE HOT SEAT WITH BAHBWHA WHAWHA

I asked Nighthawk Nan to throw some questions my way; she did. And so...awaaaaaay I go!

1. You must choose between the following scenarios:a)Meet an attractive woman, marry and have mind blowing sex every day but very little conversation.b)Meet an attractive woman, marry and have sex only once a year but have mind blowing conversations on a daily basis.Which do you choose and why?

Shee-it. Why's it only gotta be once a year? This is a tough one. After much heart-wrenching deliberation, I have to go with option "A." I can get mind-blowing conversation elsewhere. I almost chose "B," reasoning that I could use the ole Miss Michigan love-machine to take care of my "needs" but then I gave it more thought.

See? Saw? See-saw. Yes. I am see-sawing. Here is my reasoning for choosing option "A": I would not be able to be with an attractive woman, day after day, and physically be with her but for once a year. I just wouldn't be able to do it. I know that this question is geared to measure one's love of mind versus one's love of physicality but...oh, shit. Why does it have to be only once a friggin' year?! Even once a month I could deal with....

To make a long answer short, I choose option "A" because I am a horny motherscratcher and I need sex more than once a friggin' year. Call me a maroon. I express my affection/love for significant others most accurately, sometimes, through tender fucking. I am good with words on the page; face-to-face conversations aren't really my cup of tea. Plus, if I were to be hitched to an attractive woman, till the parting o 'death, I would need penetration more than once a friggin' year. Call me crazy.

Okay. That? Was a tough one.

2.You are given the choice between:a)Having one question--i.e. What is the origin of life?--of your choice answered with absolute certainty.b)Receiving a briefcase with One Million Dollars.Knowledge or Money?

Money. God! I'm already showing myself to be a rather shallow person! First I choose daily mind-blowing sex and now I choose to forego Absolute Knowledge for the sinister green of money! Sheesh! But, yeah, I'd take the money and walk rather quickly. What is the saying? "Ignorance is bliss?" Yes. I'll be stoopid if it means that I would be able to pay off all my debts and live a relatively carefree life in which I could ponder deep questions to which I would never have the Absolute Answer. But, hell, theorizing is fun, isn't it?

Then again, a million dollars ain't what it used to be, and knowledge is forever.... Money, please.

3.What characteristics(of others) do you absolutely despise?

Shallowness. LOL. Hypocrisy. LOL. Two qualities which I apparently have, judging from the ways I answered the first two questions! ;o) Okay, on with it. I also despise materialism. Who gives a shit how much your watch cost? Does it tell time? Is it accurate? That's pretty much all that matters.

I was dating this girl--she shall remain nameless--who was the epitome of materialistism, though she claimed that she was not. Bullshit. We went to the Detroit Auto Show and she gravitated towards the Land Rover and Mercedes displays...which is okay, I guess--it is a Dream Car show, after all--but the ways in which she drooled over the cars made me somewhat ill. She had me take pictures of her, posed by the price sticker, as if to show that she was in the market for said gratuitously-priced vehicle. "I'll take this one," she'd say, faux-fanning her face as if to dispell tears of joy. I glanced at the sticker price: It was only $109,000. No big deal. "Hey, A___," I said, "that Mercedes is, like, $110,000." She looked at me dead-pan: "So?" All righty, then. She also openly laughed at me when I told her that I was going to buy my brothers-in-law socks for Christmas. I know, I know: socks. Boring. But she wasn't laughing about the lack of excitement of the gift; she was laughing about the fact that I was spending so little on Christmas gifts. Here's a question, bitch: In Michigan, in wintertime, would you rather have a pretty watch or would you rather have comfortable feet? Put another way, would you like to be able to glance admiringly at your expensive timepiece or would you rather be able to feel your toes? I'll take toes for two thousand, Alex.

I also despise people who abuse animals. That needs no explanation. Too, abusers of children. That also needs no explanation.

4.What did you dream of becoming when you were a child?

I dreamt...of being a natural gas serviceworker. Thus, my dreams have been answered.

5.Do you ever plan to pursue a writing career or is writing just for pleasure?

At this point in my life, I write purely for pleasure. I love clever turns of phrase and I love to lose myself in stories. What will the characters do next? I don't know; they haven't told me yet. The way a story unfolds in my mind is a pleasure unto itself. The way it takes twists and turns and the way in which I laugh aloud, sometimes, when the situation on the page is just so damned bizarre...I love to write. I also love to get paid a steady paycheck. So...yeah.

Who knows what the future holds, though? That's the good thing about writing: One can always do it on the side. If I ever pulled a Stephen King--with that kind of ability and creativeness--I'd damned sure be writing as a career. Until then, I'll crank gas flow off and on.

Thanks for the questions, Nanette. By answering them, I discovered that I am slightly hypocritical and that I love sex. ;0)