Tuesday, September 11, 2007

LITTLE MISS MUSTARD

I was talking with a friend today at work and, for some reason, the topic of tuna wraps came up. I am a fan of buying those spinach tortillas and making my tuna fish and wrapping the whole shebang up like a burrito and going to town on it. I mentioned what I like to put in my tuna fish: hard-boiled eggs, pickles, onions, sometimes walnuts, and an assortment of anything from green olives to jalapenos to finely-minced celery.
She opined that mustard was good, too.

I'd thought that I had heard her wrong. "You're saying that you put mustard in your tuna fish?" I asked.

She nodded. "Sure. It's really good." She took in my shocked expression and laughed. "What?!"

Okay, okay. I'll try something at least once before I totally denigrate it. After all, I'm the guy whose mother put Jell-O in the lemonade once, a long time ago, to make it sweeter. "Okay," I said, "I'll have to try it. It might be good."

We continued talking about mustard for some reason. The conversation got more and more surreal as it unfolded. I learned that mustard on ribs was good, too. "Boil the ribs," she said, "and then take them out and massage the mustard into the meat. Then throw 'em on the grill."

Mustard. Colonel Mustard, in the kitchen, with the spare ribs.

"My mom told me once that if you get hurt, like a scratch or something, rub mustard into the cut. It's supposed to help."

I goggled at her. Mustard. Mustard, mustard, mustard. She was wearing a yellow Catepillar sweatshirt. Mustard. I began to feel that I was an actor in a Forrest Gump satire. Whereas Bubba talked about nothing but shrimp and the multitude of ways in which it could be cooked and eaten, my friend seemed well on her way to revealing the thousand and one uses of The Yellow Wonder.

"You're not talking about regular yellow mustard, right?" I asked, clinging to the hope that she might have been talking about some kind of gourmet motherfucking shit, but, no, my antcipations were dashed. Dashed, I say!

"Yup. Regular mustard. Good ole Plochman's."

Our cigarettes injested, it was time to head back to class. "So," I said, "I take it you like mustard potato salad?"

"Nope," she said blithely. "I like the regular kind."

13 comments:

Jay said...

I'm not a big fan of mustard on anything other than my sandwiches and cheeseburgers. Even then there can't be too much of the stuff.

There is a Reckitt_Benckiser (the makers of French's Mustard) plant in Springfield, MO located less than a mile from where I once worked when I lived there. If the wind was blowing from the West we smelled mustard all day long. It was really gross. hahaha

Tirzah said...

Ewww, just what I'd want to smell all day!

That's funny though...mustard on a cut? WEIRD! That would sting like a mutha!

Ribs....I can see how bbq'ing might not be bad.

I don't however put mustard in my tuna...just some mayo, onion, celery, pepper, pickles and wrap it up with spinach or lettuce in a tortilla of whatever I choose.

I love conversations like that though. hahaha

Melissa said...

I usually add a little squirt of mustard to the tuna salad before mixing it all up. 'Tis good, I say!

Me_Again said...

Ummm...I recall mentioning mustard in tuna salad. I like it, in potatoe salad as well =0).

The disciples said to Jesus, "Tell us what Heaven's kingdom is like." He said to them, "It's like a mustard seed, the smallest of all seeds, but when it falls on prepared soil, it produces a large plant and becomes a shelter for birds of the sky."

– Thomas 20

Heaven and mustard !?!

Kristina said...

I always thought mustard in tuna was kind of weird, too. I have a friend who will only eat it that way, but that's just because he's a health freak, and mayo has too many calories. I like mustard on a burger. That's about all that I can think of right now, though. Everything else seems so unnatural.

Nanette said...

I like mustard. In a pinch, it can be used as a lubricant. ;) I'm here all week. :D

Tirzah said...

Ew. That's all.

The One and Only A said...

LMAO, Nightie! :-D

The One and Only A said...

To all: I think I may have to try some mustard in it next time I make it. From what I read/hear, it could actually be all right.

Who'da thunk it?!

Terry said...

Honestly? Im more about the may IN the tuna but the yellow mustard ON the bread. Makes for a yummy sammich. My aunt used to eat mustard and potato chip sandwiches - always a tad on in my opinion though. But not as odd as a friend who loved peanut butter and miracle whip sandwiches! ewwwwwww ewww ew

I used to live near a candy factory. My fave day was cherry lolipop day. The who neighbor hood would get a hankerin for anything cherry flavored then. lol

Terry said...

Could I have any more typos in that comment? sheesh

Sylvia said...

Wow thats one hell of a mustad obsession.
But who am i to judge, the one who eats ketchup sandwiches all the time?

FRITZ said...

Mmm.

In the South, most bbq sauces are based on mustard or vinegar or both.

Mustard is perhaps one of my most favorite condiments, especially in southern potato salad.

mmm mmm mmm.