Meagan and I ventured off to the Detroit Film Theatre tonight to view "Lady Chatterly," a supposedly highly-erotic and "brilliant" adaptation of D. H. Lawrence's "historic" novel of the same name. After enjoying a fine meal of sauteed mushrooms and lentil burgers and a Reuben at the Cass Cafe, on the Cass Corridor, we drove around the block about five times trying to determine just where the hell the Film Theatre was. We had heard that it is a slightly non-descript white edifice, an adjunct to the Detroit Institute of Arts. Yes and no. We saw the white building about five times, but, seeing as how they had not a solitary sign indicating that, yes, this was the DTF, we passed on by each time.Anyway, we finally asked a kindly passerby and she directed us to the correct destination. Much thanks, madam.
We parked. We walked across the street and into the building. The clientele were pretty much what I had anticipated: Older, white and wealthy. The DTF is really something to behold, though. With architecture from the 1920s, the stage-area is replete with ornate gold trim and royal red curtains. Unfortunately, the seats are way too close. Meeg and I chose a row near the back and settled in to be dazzled by the eroticism. An older man and his wife sat down directly in front of us. This would prove to be a hinderance to my enjoyment of the movie. The woman's hair was coiffed and teased and curled so that it basically blotted out the bottom to middle of the screen. Normally? Not a problem. But, this time, seeing as how the film was produced in 2006 in France, the bottom of the screen was rather important.
[Let me diverge from this wholly entertaining critique of super-soft porn to say this: If you're going to have a film with subtitles, do you think it's too much to ask to film the movie in a wide-screen so that the words on the screen are white against black? It truly is a pain in the keister when the subtitles are white like the actor's shirt. I don't speak French; I need to be able to read the letters on the screen.]
Anyway, the woman's hair ended up pissing me off. I had to resist reaching up, at several points in the movie, and forcibly jamming the lady's hair down on her skull so that I could read the fucking words. Anyway. I resisted. My socialization as a toddler shall now be deemed a success!
And on to the movie. I'd almost have rather read up on this. Don't get me wrong: The actress Mirina Hands was pleasing to look at and blessed with a nubile internal organ package, but the movie was two hours and forty-eight minutes long from start to finish. There was no intermission and there was no food or drink allowed in the theatre. I might say that it was agonizing. And the sex scenes weren't even all that steamy. Did I mention that the movie dragged from the beginning, in which Connie Chatterly wanted to get her rocks off, two hours and forty-eight minutes to the end, in which Connie Chatterly has gotten her rocks off and is trying to set Parkin the gameskeeper up with a farm so that, if she leaves her crippled war veteran hubby Clifford, she can meat up (pun intended) with her lover later and continue dancing naked in the rain and fucking in the mud and placing flowers lovingly in the folds and creases of each other's genitalia? Yeah. The movie was long. And pretty damned boring.
The most exciting time that I had during the marathon movie was when, after a particularly "steamy" scene, when the theatre was death-tomb silent, one of the moviegoers had the misfortune (or audacity) to sneeze. And the sneeze did echo. And the sneeze was wet-sounding. And the sneeze was perfectly timed. And I did feel the shoulders of Meeg shaking silently next to me and I did feel the need to remove my arm from her shoulders before I lost it myself and burst into gales of barking laughter. And so I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from braying guffaws. I knew that I was doomed if I happened to look over at her, so I looked straight ahead...right into the rat's nest that was the perfumed lady's hair. Surreal moments...gotta love 'em.
Someone sneezed later. That time I was prepared. I had Tic-Tacs.
10 comments:
That is so funny! I am impressed that you stayed for the entire film, I probably would have been out of there--after I spit a tic-tac into the bighair, I was not socialized as a toddler!
That's some big hair.
I can't believe you found a paint-drying machine to link to, ha ha!
Have you read the book? Definitely one of Lawrence's best. The only adaptation I enjoyed of the book was the one that had Sean Bean and Joely Richardson in it. At least it was in English....and did I mention Sean Bean was in it?
Agonizing huh !?! Hahahaha.
You were rewarded...;-0
and you forgot to mention, as we drove out of the parking lot, the mass of patrons walking to their cars were on the wrong side of the drive. So, Adam says something like - "they should cross over" - and lo and behold they crossed over, right in front of us. They did as they were told. I've come to believe that Adam has some ties to God. Good thing Adam is a great driver; Otherwise, Lady Chatterly would've (is that really a word? - cause it wasn't in dictionary.com...lol) been the demise of their pleasures.
And thank you Adam, for venturing out with me, for a little extra credit ;-)
Meeg: It was truly my pleasure. Actually, i liked the movie...kinda. And that lemming walk across the street? Herd mentality. That one lady in the front knew that I was soft-hearted and would not run them down...I drive a Ford Focus, for cryin' out loud! ;-)
Yeah, Nighthawk, the movie dragged ass. But there was at least *some* quality nudity.
Mel: The lady's hair bugged the ever-lovin outta me. And, yeah, the Internet has...EVERYTHING! =o}
Bunny Bleu: I didn't read the book. I think I would prefer the picture pop-version of it, though. :-P Also: Who the hell is Sean Bean?!
You don't know who SeanBean is??
Boromir from Lord of the Rings?
I would have found something to leave in the lady's hair. When really long movies start to drag I get very bored and start finding things to amuse myself with. A woman with hair like you described would have been way too much of a temptation for me.
OH, and when I get bored watching a foreign language movie I tend to make up my own words too.
You should have nestled some of those tictacs in the nesty hair! HAHA!
mmmm. nothing like victorian erotica to really get the old cogs cranking.
i mean, that's what me and my husband are forever using to get into the mood...a french adaptation of lady chatterly's lover.
i think i'd rather inject myself with antifreeze. But now I must find this DFT, and visit it for perhaps a more interesting foreign flick. Thanks for linkage!
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