What day of the week is it? What date is it? Is this a parallel universe? One in which I retire late and wake late and mark my days only by the occurrences of Intensive Outpatient sessions?Where is the joy in life? When the hell can I get back to work? Are they going to be sticklers on my attending the six more one-on-one counselling sessions before I can drop some piss and head back into the wild and joyous Land o' Gas Distribution? I hope not. I talked to the leader of the IOP, George, and told him that I still needed, by the substance abuse assessor's primary assessment, six more individual therapy sessions before I'd have the shackles unlocked and be allowed to go back to work. He and I both agree that six sessions really won't make a hell of a lot of difference in my mindset--I'm fed up with drinking and all the havoc it wreaks. However, I am concerned that if I don't do what I have been ordered to do, they (The Assessors [sounds like some kind of '50s comic book, doesn't it?]) may hold my balls to the flame. I'm in a tight spot, here, and I want to do exactly what I am told to do. Money comes in handy. Besides, now is not the difficult time for me, regarding drinking. The wounds are still too fresh, the memories of life's destruction still too crystalline. No, my "stinking thinking" really kicks it into a higher gear when things are going well and the money starts rolling in and I can rationalize to myself that, "Hell, Adam, things are sweet right now. You deserve a beer or eleven." That's when it gets tricky.
As for now, being off of work for thirty fucking days is causing more drinking thoughts than quelling them. I have too much time to think (and to dwell, unfortunately). Though I fill my days with meetings and IOPs (Intensive Outpatient therapy), I still have far too much time to think. Thank God for Antabuse; without it I may have drank to combat the boredom, fresh memories be damned. Or, not. I'll tell you this: being in this situation at work has caused me to re-evaluate my life and my need for the barley-and-hops killah. I don't need it. It needs me. It needs me so that it can feel like a big ballbuster and its modicum of self-esteem can become engorged. Drinking is a bully; it really is. And if it seems as though I am personifying drinking (or the drinking Adam, if that makes it easier to understand), I am. It helps me to validate the danger the drinking poses to me. It is a killer. For an alcoholic (and I shy not from that word) that is exactly what it is. It has no quarter, it shows absolutely no mercy. Like a Level-5 hurricane it'll sweep through the afflicted's life and leave chaos in its wake. Cows'll be in the upper branches of oak trees and houses will be half-intact and half-demolished. Pieces of straw'll be imbedded in bricks...or skulls. Sounds joyous, huh?!
Anyway, happy week-before-Christmas, outside it is snowing and nothing stirs, not even a rat.
11 comments:
Adam, I'm GLAD you are making these realizations, no matter how you have to word them to be stronger for you.
I am proud of you, and I know you can do it.
I am SO glad you are my bloggy buddy!
And happy almost-Christmas!!! Are you going to make a snow angel? And send me a pic?? ;)
Well done Adam :)
I'm proud of you!
I'm sure it's boring, but time will pass and before you know it you'll be back at work. You're doing what you need to do right now. How often are these IOPs scheduled?
Dwell if you must, and thank God for Antabuse, but know that you're laying down a pattern of not-drinking, and that may very well help you when things are sweet and the money is rolling in.
xoxox
JenBun: My granddad used to do snow angels in his Speedo bathing suit...just for the hell of it. Maybe I'll do a Speedo Angel and email it to you. Wouldja like that, California Sistah? ;-)
Bunny Bleu: Thanks, but I haven't done anything yet. Well, okay, I guess I've accomplished *something*. But this is long in the making and I've done this before, so I'm gonna hold off on any self-congratulatory Adam-blowing until I get some more time 'neath me belt. But thank you for the kind thoughts. =O)
Missy Poo: IOPs are three times a week. I have one more, tomorrow, and that's it. However, if I'll not be doing those one-on-ones, I think I'm going to ask George if I can stay in the program for an additional week. Usually, the IOPs are 12 sessions. Of my insurance covers it, I say, why the hell not? :)
I wish my husband had your passion. Be proud that your recognizing your demons, not many people do.
Keep up the great work, your amazing.
You'll get through it. I certainly know how downtime can lead to drinking. I've been out of both school and work for almost 3 days, and most nights the only activity that seems remotely interesting to me is getting wasted and wandering around town.
OF COURSE I want a Speedo Angel!!!
Merry Christmas to JenBun! :P
Um, I'd like to see the speedo angel as well.
I'm a curious lesbian.
Hang in there.
Anti Momma's Grrl: Thanks! =o) Listen: people will only change when they *want* it. No amount of outside pressure will ultimately do the job. Outside pressures will only cause resentment. Sad but true. I hope that your husband recognizes, eventually, that he needs to make a change both for himself and his family. Good luck, kid. :)
Frank: It *does* pass the the time, doesn't it? :)
JenBun: I don't have any Speedos, but I could use some boxer-briefs. I have Meagan take the pictures. :-)
Lesbian Lynn: See above. =o)
Hey there bro,
This is an amazing post.
You're honesty and courage shine.
I think you nailed it when you said 'Drinking is a bully'... and the only way bully's can be dealt with is by standin up to them... like you are here..
Peace and power brother,
M
Hey, Mr. Mattress Doc! Welcome to the blog. =o) I don't write amazing stuff; you do. But thanks for the kind and supportive words, man. Peace to you.
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