MY GOD: OH-AND-SIXTEEN!

This a microcosm of the season: It's the fourth quarter and the Detroit Lions are losing to the Green Bay Packers, but they have the ball and they're efficiently moving it down the field. Dan Orlovsky (who?!) swings a pass into the right flat for Kevin Smith, the running back of the present and, ostensibly, the future. The play goes nowhere; the Packers sniff it out from the snap and the cornerback drops Smith in the backfield for a four-yard loss, spinning him out of bounds into the Packers' bench. A couple of the Packers had something to say to Smith--now, I have no "ears on the field," as it were, but I have to assume that they said something about the Lions being a blight on the league, a walking and running and missed-tackling turd of honolulu-blue-and-silver...something like that--and Kevin Smith, being a man and being a blockhead and being a Detroit Lion, shoves the ball in the opposing player's face and shoves past an official on his way back onto the playing surface. Zing! Out flies the yellow flag and Smith is penalized fifteen yards for unsportsmanlike conduct. So, instead of a third-and-fourteen, it turns out to be, with the fifteen-yard penalty, a third-and-twenty-nine, or some ridiculous--Lionesque--number like that and they get a yard on third down and then go for it on fourth-and-twenty-eight and, of course, they fail to pick up the first down and Green Bay can basically just run out the clock and saddle the Detroit franchise with the ignoble statistic of being the only team in NFL history to finish the season at 0-16.

Jim Rome is probably rubbing his hands together with glee, even as we speak.

What a fucking disaster this team was and is and probably will be, forever more.

I feel really bad for Calvin Johnson, a top-tier receiver in this league who had the misfortune to be drafted by the Detroit Lions. He's a Pro-Bowl receiver and he puts up Pro-Bowl statistics, but he's got dingbats like Dan Orlovsky and, earlier, Jon Kitna, throwing the rock to him. He finished the game with nine catches for 102 yards and two touchdowns--stellar numbers, really--and he finishes the season with 69 receptions (great number) for 1229 yards and 10 touchdowns. He is a supreme talent--big and strong, as fast as a gazelle, a great route-runner--but he's mired in Motown...if he doesn't demand a trade when his contract is up, I'll eat dog food.

Who else do we have on this shitty-assed team? Maybe Ernie Sims is worth keeping? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe Kevin Jones is worth keeping? Maybe, maybe not. What a fucking joke. I lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of Matt Millen and the Ford dynasty for keeping him in too high a position for far too many years. What else can you say that hasn't already been said of a man (Millen) who comes out of the play-by-play booth with absolutely no front office experience and proceeds to draft, in three consecutive years, three wide receivers in the top three draft picks of every year, completely ignoring necessary skilled players at positions on the offensive and defensive lines? Nothing. Nothing more can be said. He fucked this franchise up the ass and used nothing for lube but moisture from his sweaty bushy mustache. And, after he had his way with them and after the Ford family finally fired his ass, he probably motored his Harley back to Pennsylvania, possibly telling himself that he did the best that he could. Yeah. Right. Maybe he did. But, my God, after three or four years of total ineptitude, wouldn't you feel a little guilty about collecting multi-million dollar checks? Instead of hanging on in the hopes that maybe this year, things'll be different? Okay. Human nature tells us that, while one may feel guilty for collecting while doing horridly at one's job, it is up to the upper management-slash-ownership to do the right thing for the team (and the fans?) and sweep the shit out the front door. When it's broken, fucking fix it!

What an embarrassment. Sixteen games; sixteen losses. If weren't so damned pathetic, I'd probably be pissed off. But, hell, they're the fucking Lions. They're a joke, man. I stopped believing in them a long time ago. They always find a way to be the Lucy Van Pelt to our determined Charlie Brown-donism. (New word. I just made it up. But it's appallingly appropriate.)

I feel bad for Head Coach Rod Maranelli, too; and he'll assuredly be canned during the off-season. He seems like a genuine guy. He seems straightforward enough and he seems like he cares. A lot. So, too, do the players. They didn't want to go down in the annals as the first NFL team to ever go winless for the season. To their credit, they fought hard most of the time. But week after week, they were overmatched. They just suck. Week after week, there was some kind of Lionesque play that shot them in the collective foot. Week after week, they found new (!) and interesting (!) ways to lose ball games.

Is there any hope? I don't think so. I am truly starting to believe that Bobby Layne, their last great quarterback--from the fucking '50s!--put a hex, a curse, on them. Half a century of ineptitude...that's tough to do. But, seriously, is there hope for this franchise? I mean, look at the Miami Dolphins. Last year they were 1-15 and this year they finished 11-5 and made the playoffs. So, judging by the Dolphins turnaround, there's got to be at least a sliver of hope for the Lions, right? Wrong. The 'Phins have the Tuna, Bill Parcells, in their front office. Bill Parcells is a winner, he has always been a winner, wherever he's gone. The Lions have not a single person with the pedigree of Parcells. They have bumbling fools who always seem to be in over their heads.

Until they start winning, I'll never again purchase anything with the Detroit Lions logo on it, I'll never go to a game, I'll rarely even watch them on the television. Until they start winning they are, as Michael Corleone would say, they're dead to me.

Thanks for a fascinating season, Lions! You guys rock!