Thursday, August 16, 2007

A MONKEY'S UNCLE

So, yeah. I drew the picture that you see, here, when I was in the back seat of my Ford Focus. My brother-in-law Matt was driving (he drove 23 hours and 1300 miles...he is now, officially, Stud), and my sis Meliss was in the passenger seat. I read and smoked and, one time (not at band camp) I jammed my stinky flip-flops in the area between the passenger door and the passenger seat, thus guaranteeing that my dear sister would be privy to the full effect of my odorifious zapatos. I have written about this already, but I figured I would lend some background information to this picture.

Anyway, I have long loved to doodle and, often, I draw a gratuitously grotesque characiture of myself, including but not limited to: a wide expanse of forehead, pinched facial features, a glowering brow and a miniature bowler hat, a type of hat that I have never in my life worn. I don't know why I draw that picture incessantly, but I do. It had become an almost thoughtless exercise in line-drawing.

But the fact remains that I often draw myself as an ape, or, at least, a human being with an apish apeture.

Do you know how excruciating middle and high schools were? Do know what it's like to score in the top 99th percentile in rope-climbing...and be ashamed of your achievement because it just felt way too easy? To have bananas spill from your locker during class breaks? Have you ever had the girl upon whom you'd focussed your attention pierce your tender freshman heart with one well-timed "Ooga-ooga?" Have you ever cried yourself to sleep in the highest branches of the schoolyard oak tree? Yeah.

Me either. But I did get called (mockingly, of course) "Grape Ape" in eighth grade. And I did have my childhood friend burp out the word "Aaaaaaaaapppppe." And I did have a fondness for anything banana. (Except for hammocks; never hammocks.)

What is it, exactly, that reminds people of primates when I'm around? Maybe nothing, but, if pressed, I would submit that my brow is somewhat low-slung and my mouth is babyish, thus lending itself a cute Curious George-type swell. I am the Missing Link! See me beat my chest! Listen to me weep.

So. Anyway, back to the picture: I drew it without knowing what the finished product would look like. Apparently, it looks like me. Apparently, the "West Side Simian"...is me. Two--two!--people on Flickr have said so!

My life, as I have known it, is over. Over, I say! It's nothing but downhill from here. One day, in the not-so-distant future, you may read an odd story of a man in Brazil...a man who met his unfortunate and premature demise after scaling--remarkably quickly--the Christ the Redeemer statue and flinging himself off of the Saviour's nose, wildly flapping his poorly-constructed Wings o' Banana, screaming to the whipping wind: "Ooga-ooga?! Take this, Susan!"

Or...not.

11 comments:

Nanette said...

Seriously, did I miss the picture of you in a banana hammock? ;)

I think you are quite handsome! Does this mean that I am partial to apes? ;)

The One and Only A said...

I'd rather pose neeeeee-yood than to pose in a banana hammock, Nighthawk. =o) Thanks for the comps. It makes me feel all fuzzy--and surprisingly turgid--to hear that. =o]

Kristinarena said...

Yeah, I'm not sure what the problem is. Noone said that resembling the ape (the ape that you drew to resemble you in the first place) is a BAD thing... I thought the ape was cute. And I'm with Nanette; You're quite the handsome man. :) (Now quit yer cryyyin'.)

The One and Only A said...

Thanks, KId. =o] I appreciate, I appreciate. Though it may look like it, I wasn't really searching for validation; I just found it funny. But, because you asked so nicely, I shall cease my eye lactations. :-O

Jay said...

Heyyyyy .... that ape does kinda resemble you. Just a bit.

Me_Again said...

You know, I just may have that drawing tattooed on my ass...

Umm, I changed my mind but I could tattoo it on my horses ass. Would that make you happy Uncle Monkey?

Really, I had a good laugh readin' that, almost a belly laugh, but not quite. Probally cause of the sad parts.

The One and Only A said...

Spittin' image, Mr. Jay. Spittin' image. =o)

Meeg: Yeah, some of those dere parts are tragic, eh? ;-) BTW, I didn't know that you owned a horse! Cooooooo-oooool!

Tirzah said...

Whatever dude. You want some banana bread? LMAO! Please oh please don't tell me you have a hammock picture!!!!! PLEASE! I just might die of a laugh attack!

The One and Only A said...

I--sadly, perhaps--do NOT have a banana hammock picture, Teezah.

:-(

Butt! If you look on Flickr, you may just catch a picture of my asinine. Why should babies get to have all the fun?! :-P

Queen of Dysfunction said...

What's wrong with the banana hammock? The poor, embattled banana hammock. Unaccepted even by a guy who likens himself to an ape...

The One and Only A said...

LOL Good point, Queenie. Who knows? Maybe I shoudl give one a try. Hell, at least it'd be comfortable, right?

Right?! (:-O