WOULD YOU LIKE PAPER OR PLASTIC?

Do you ever notice, in the express line, what the other customers are purchasing? Do you ever play that game of trying to tie every item together? For instance, if someone buys pastrami and bread, easy, they'll probably make a sandwich out of it. But then, sometimes, the items are eclectic as hell and it is a real struggle to make a story up. For instance, what if someone buys Vaseline and a fish--salmon, say? How does one tie those two products together? Perhaps she slathers Vaseline on the side of salmon before popping it into the oven? Maybe he mixes dill weed and mayonnaise with the petroleum jelly and throws a couple of egg whites and diced pickles into the disaster and calls it tartar sauce?

My skin is dry--it's wintertime. And I drink too much coffee. And so last night I went to the local 24-hour superstore and I bought some Imodium A-D and some Jergen's lotion. (I also bought "Kill Bill," but that is neither here nor there.) Unbidden, a story/reason swam to my forebrain. It went like this: Because I drink so much coffee, my stomach is often in distress, causing many trips to the bathroom which, in turn, throws the whole waste management hardware out of whack. Thus, Imodium A-D. What's the Jergen's for? I'll--for once in my weblogging life--keep it clean, here. The Jergen's is for my dry skin.

Have I learned my lesson? Have I cut down on the Brown Devil? No! I haven't. What do I have? A death-wish? I still (Cliche-alert!) drink coffee like it's going out of style. I am taking steps, though, to make my life more manageable. I popped an Ammodium, this morning, with the rest of my vitamins. So...that's something. I swear, I visted the bathroom four times before ten o'clock on Saturday morning. That ain't good. It got to the point where the idea of ricin-poisoning flashed across my mind. In case you don't know what ricin is, it is a bean from a plant that is used, I believe, to make castor oil. The bad guys out there are said to have the poison and are looking to introduce it into our food and/or water supply. The death from ricin is not very pleasant. At all. Basically, what happens, is that it liquifies the affected's insides and the person ends up shitting him- or herself to death. Yes. That crossed my mind.

But then I had to say to myself, "Adam? You drink exorbitant amounts of java. Perhaps that is the root cause of your maladic pooping."

[Sometimes? Sometimes it is better to write nothing than to write whatever crosses one's mind. Exhibit A? This post.]

Postscript--As I went back to this to edit the spelling of Imodium A-D, I realized that this was my 69th post. I'm going to have to call in to work and try to take the day off in celebration of that oh-so magical number.