Wednesday, November 14, 2007


Simply put, today was a disaster. A canine disaster. Like the Hindenburgus Caninus, but on a smaller scale. Okay. Much smaller. Like two-dog small.

Last night, Louie was asleep on the La-Z-Boy in the computer room. Ollie was sleeping with me. Before I acknowledged the Sandman, I was aware of Oliver bouncing off the bed and trotting out to the kitchen. Before I fell asleep, he was back, nestled at my feet, breathing deeply, an unconscious dog-log. I thought nothing of it--perhaps he wet his whistle?--and succumbed to the night.

I woke blearily this morning and slammed off the Superman alarm clock. After the Morning Porcelain Ritual, I staggered to the kitchen and let the dogs out. As I walked to their food dishes, I was assaulted by the ripe smell of dog feces. "Shit," I said.


A nice smooth soft pile of dog shit lay, in all its Stank glory, about a foot from the empty food bowl. A smaller "tip" of dog excrement lay a few inches away. Shaped like an arrowhead, it pointed to the larger pile. Two seperate piles, one of which seemed an almost-afterthought? [Or forethought?] Oliver! That sumanabit....

Paper towel in hand, I crouched to scoop the interloping fecal matter and, what to my wondering eyes should appear? But a puddle of moisture, 'neath the table, oh dear. Okay. recap. While I slept--or slightly before--Oliver had sprung from the bed to see what was the matter and had said, ah, fuggit, here's good.

I cleaned up the offenses and bid the dogs a good day. I left Oliver, the cute shitting chewer, ensconsced in his small cage and I left the door to Lou's cage slightly ajar. His choice. He could stay in the cage or he could wander about the house as I worked in the dirt.

At work, we did some tractor-trailer training. In the cab of the truck, my nostrils flared at the unwieldy odor of feces. Like the malaise from the morning was trailing me, following me, white gossamer tendrils of Stoonky-Stank adhering to my nose-holes, giving me not a moment's peace. I crinkled my nose. "Damn," I said to Robert, "smells like someone took a dump in here. Jesus." He told me that he had a cold and that he could not smell it. I told him that he was probably lucky. After he had practiced a bit, I got back into the cab and right away I was struck with the smell of manure. And it seemed stronger. I figured someone must have stepped in a pile last night and smeared a bit on the floorboards on accident.

Rob wrinkled his nose the next time he got in the cab. "Yeah, I smell it now," he told me. "Pretty bad." I agreed and sat on an adjacent trailer to watch as he practiced his reverse 90-degree angle alley dock. The smell was insistent. A lightbulb must have shone above my head as I did the obvious thing: I looked at the bottom of my boot. Yup. There it was in all its glory: Poop. It must have been hiding in the tall grass and I must have stepped in it. Laughing to myself and at the alacrity at which I had passed the Shit-On-The-Shoe buck, I scraped it off with a crumpled Gatorade bottle. And the day continued.

I ended up working late. There was a gas meter relocation that ended up being a bit more involved than had previously been thought and so I got back to the shop at 6:30 and back to my home at 7:00. The smell assaulted me as soon as I opened the door. Lou was bouncing around like a maniac and Oliver, the cute shitting chewer, was howling/baying from his crate. Oliver! I thought to myself with Seinfeldian angst, my fist clenched, my mouth a slash. Yes. 'Twas true. Oliver had pooped in his crate and, unfortuantely, had scampered (or slid) about in it, leaving little shit footprints. I was running late to meet my sister at the coney island restaurant, so, with little fanfare, I released Oliver, the cute shitting chewer, and Lou to the Great Outdoors, whereupon they could, ostensibly, empty their bladders and jettison their intestinal fortitiude. While they were outside, I took the foul-smelling floor of the crate down to the washtubs in the basement and--quite literally--scoured the shit outta it. Satisfied, I walked back upstairs and walked towards the computer room to survey my Fantasy stats.

On the way to the room, I noticed/smelled a nice splotch of spit-up in the hallway, on the carpet, next to the kitchen doorway. Louie? I asked myself. What the fuck? Grimacing, I crouched and cleaned the puke out of the carpet.

Nice, I thought, poop in the morning, poop in the afternoon and vomit for a nightcap. And then I got into the computer room.

The smell was heavy. It didn't make sense. Why would the smell be stronger in the computer room, three rooms and a hallway, from the pile of poop? 'Twas nonsensical, 'twas. And then there it was: Another pile of shit. This one was arranged nicely on the corner of the Oriental rug, almost symmetrical to the designs of the floor covering. Louie! The good dog?

It isn't often that one can truly say that they are flabbergasted but, there I was, leaning in to scoop another pile of soft-serve shit, flabbered to the motherfucking gasted. I cleaned up that pile, let the boys in, scooped Oliver up immediately, swept down the basement stairs, with him at arm's length, and lathered the fuck out of him in the aforementioned basement washtubs.

And then I went to eat coney island hot dogs. The stuff on the plate looked suspiciously familiar to...something.

So the final tally: Twenty-four hours, two dogs, one explusion of odor-ific vomit and three piles of soft brown-cream-cheesy dog shit. And one extremely exasperated owner.

[And that's not taking into account the shitpile in which I stepped when I was at work.]

But I learned a good lesson today. I really did. And that lesson is this: If one has slices of corned beef, and one doesn't feel good about eating it oneself--due to the fact that it doesn't smell particularly right--one should not feed said corned beef to the dogs, thinking that they will appreciate the Kindness of Meat. If it smells funny, toss it.

Or suffer the consequences.


Nanette said...

Poor poopy dogs. Poor Adam, but, I'm glad you learned your lesson. :)

Jay said...

What a shitty day.

Hey .. somebody had to say it.

Dogs are so great. Until they do that. But, what can you do. They're dogs.

Speaking of Fantasy teams, mine has gone into the tank. They're scared of the end zone again. And I'm so desperate at QB that I'm staring Kyle Freakin' Boller this week.

Candy said...

Holy crap (sorry couldn't resist) that was hysterical. Perhaps made more so because I am a pet-owner and feel your pain.

I picked up my newly-spayed 8 month old puppy from the vet Monday night and in the four minute ride home she shat on the backseat of my car, and that night, when I locked my howling cat in the bathroom at 4AM, he crapped in there.

Must be something in the air.

Melissa said...

I was going to ask what they'd eaten, because that's unlike them. And the description didn't sound quite right, either. Poor little boys with their poor little bowels.

Lees said...

flabbered to the motherfucking gasted. That totally says it.

The One and Only A said...

Nighthawk: I did, indeed. Sell the dogs! :-P

Jay: Kyle Frickin' BOLLER?! Come on, man. How many team league is it? 20-person? There isn't ANYONE better than Boller out there on the waiver wire?! Well, anyway, good luck, man. You may need it. 8-/

Candy: Gotta love pets, huh? LOL 8-month puppy? Oh, yeah, you know ALL about those loveable shit-bombs. ;-)

Melmac: Indeed. Er...wait! Poor little boys?! What about me?! What about poor muscular Adam?! Huh? What about MEEEEEEEE?! :-p

Leesie-Diamond: Oh, yeah, I was flabbered, all right. =o)

Tirzah said...

Dude, your day SUCKED!!! I loved reading about it though! hehehehe My favorite part was when you said "flabbered to the motherfucking gasted." TOO FUNNY!

kristina said...

Well, did you learn your lesson? Don't feed the dogs rotten food, ya fool. Haha. But really, that sucks. Nothing worse than having to clean up that kind of stuff after your animals IN your house. UGH. I just better never have kids. Haa.

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

Oh dude... the meat lesson. Let me tell you how I learned mine.

We had two cocker spaniels when I was a kid. My redneck uncle came to visit and brought us meat from a deer he nabbed hunting. We were wary about the meat but thought we'd try it anyway.

It was nasty. We decided to cut it up and give it to the dogs. In less than 5 hours, both of them started to dry heave. As one of the dogs started "coughing," shit was concurrently SPRAYING out of her ass.

It was so, so, SO nasty and we felt so terrible for giving them the meat in the first place. A hard lesson to learn.

Inarticulate Fumblings said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gummy said...

donsha know but you come from a long line of shit-story tellers ...well done!

The One and Only A said...

Tizzy: Glad I could amuse, Tirzah. =o]

KId: Well, it wasn't really *rotten*, per se, just kind of on the edge. I had looked upon it as giving them a treat! Whoops. They gave *me* a treat. Three times.

Inarticulate: Welcome to the madness, sir. "As one of the dogs started 'coughing,' shit was concurrently SPRAYING out of her ass." LMFAO Too funny! =o)

Gum-Dawg: I must uphold the family legacy, donsha know. :-P