i remember her theatrically witch-snarling
"fee fie foe fum"
i remember her howling "damnation of Faust!"
when she got a bad hand in cards.
i remember her playing table tennis, at age 75, and doing a good job
her on the floor, pulling her leg almost-even with her ear, at age 76
her at the alley, bowling in the high-150's, at age 81
i remember her watching the lions the tigers the pistons on the television
it's been a rapid descent
i see her now, shuffled with walker and four helping hands
to ease her into a car seat
and it tears my fucking heart out
i see her now, picking at food, at age 88
i see her now, picking at Life, at age 88
and it tears my heart out
i remember her at the beach, with her lover, my grandfather
she wore a bathing cap, if memory serves
i remember her swiming the breast-stroke in the calm blue waters
her head high above the ripples of Pleasure
i remember her off-the-bone-tender hams at holiday and
her old rickety stools in her kitchen
i remember her standing tall and standing easily
I see her now, bent and standing trepidatiously
love peace never-a-bad-word optimistic singing sweet sweeter the sweetest Belle
i see her now, having to leave her home of 50 years because
even with much familial love and help
she can't do it on her own anymore
i see her having to move into an assisted care center, where many are sick or morose,
waiting for Him
and God! i wish her cheer could just.come.back
i tell you it would bounce off the walls, it would
i see her in the center, a nice place, sure, but i see her also
caged, a prisoner in her own body
in her own mind
she can't walk by herself, anymore
and it tears my fucking heart out to see that
she has problems using her hands and eating
and it truly tears my heart out
"fee fie foe fum"
come on back, please. Please
love, nothing but unadulterated fierce love, gramma
-- wet-eyed adam
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4 comments:
Wow. That made me teary eyed. That was beautiful, but very morose...it reminded me of my grandfather who is going through the same thing right now. Such a shame and very painful to witness their pain and sadness.
Thanks Lil Miss, but I can't do it justice with simple words. There are nebulous emotions that seem to be trapped. I know what I'm seeing and I'm logical about it, but it hurts. It doesn't hurt all the time. But when I see her in person, like today, when my uncle and I were moving some of her furniture into her "new" room.... I'm fine when I'm in her presence, though there is a rat gnawing at my heartstrings. When I get home, by myself, the rat completes the task: He chews through my heartstrings. The heartstrings must regulate eye moisture because, once they're torn? There ain't no dam. It's...Waterworks Factory.
The thing that really eats at me is that, though she is a very sociable person, I know that she is shy, as well. *Will* she make friends, there, with her minimized brain functionings? *Will* she feel accepted and feel at peace? Or *will* she feel lonely and bored and "shipped-off?" Good Lord, I hope not. She is so gosh-damned loved in this family. *So* gosh-damned loved. It just got to a certain point: For her safety, she has to have constant--or pretty-much constant--supervision. And that hurts, too, because, for 83 years, she has been totally self-sufficient. And, like a thunderclap, a series of mini-strokes...minimized her *Essence*. I love her. Shit. I'm starting to get teary-eyed again.
Sorry about your Grandpa. I think we have the same sorts of emotions going on, at this point in time.
Peace, Lil Miss. And peace to your Grandpa.
PS--"Morose?" Yeah. Of course it was. I'll post a flippiant 'blog entry later, tonight. Seriously, I'd planned to, anyway. I'm double-jointed [schizophrenic, he whispers] that way! ):- ))
(((Adam)))...that is so sad! I feel your pain :( This is one of the reasons that it scares me to get older...being young at heart but trapped in an aging body.
Nanette O' Many Hours--That's the thing that makes me hurl my fists at the walls, metaphorically-speaking: She is alive. Her heart continues to tick and oxygen continue to track to her brain.
But her fucking *essence* is almost totally diminished.
Is this what we peons must look forward to? I'm with Jimmy Dean: "Live fast and hard and leave a good-looking corpse."
(And I'm completely serious.)
:l
Life is a giant roller-coaster ride. Cliche, sure, but true. There are ups and downs and times in which we throw our hands to the heavens and screech with glee. Eventually, the ride comes to an end. And, sometimes? It does so brutally.
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