RANDOM THURSDAY...TILL I SETTLE ONTO TOPIC

Okay. So only one hundred thirty-nine more days to go until I can use a personal day or a vacation day. Sweet, huh? I misappropriated my legit time off at work--I used them too often too early--and so now I must pay the consequences. The "bank" balances begin anew on the first day of 2009. Oy vey.

***

2009. I wonder if this is how the people who were born in the 1800s felt about the 20th century. Futuristic, flying horse-drawn buggies...all that scary shit. But, no. I think the simple fact that we are out of "The Teens" makes the year seem more mind-boggling. However, verily, my mind is boggled.

2009?!

Jeebus.

***

So, women, it's that time of year again. It's the time in which your husbands and/or boyfriends will retire to the computer or the NFL Network to agonize over whom to pick for his team in his Fantasy Football league. Yeah, I know. It is sexist to address this floating piece of blog-minutia to strictly women, but--come on--the numbers bear me out. More men participate in Fantasy Football than women. So...yeah. Women? It's that time of year again.

Outdated football magazines are being snapped up and "doc.football.guru" websites are receiving credit card numbers and third wideouts are being scrutinized. "Do I take Anthony Gonzalez as a third receiver after Braylon Edwards (one) and Greg Jennings (two)? Do you think that Anthony Gonzalez will get a lot of Manning balls thrown his way, what with sharing the receiving corps with Reggie Wayne and the always-consistent Marvin Harrison? What should I do, honey? Whom should I draft? Should I take Gonzalez, an adequate receiver on a high-octaned offensive team or should I take that athletic tight end (Vernon Davis) from the 49ers?"

Do not answer.

I know that your eyes (and mind) may have glossed over by this point, but--heaven's to Betsy!--do not answer. Sometimes we FFPs (Fantasy Football Players) are at a loss and do not know what to do--statistics slam through our heads and SOSs (Strength of Schedules) wreak havoc on our decision-making meters--but if we ask you, "Do I start Adrian Peterson against a tough Chicago defense or do I start Brandon Jacobs against the soft run-defense Jets?" don't just blithely throw out a name. I implore you. And here is the reason: it's a no-win situation. The odds are that Peterson would have a more statistic-filled game but Brandon Jacobs could also go off for three titties and a hundred-twenty yards. You just never know. It's the NFL, for God's sake--No Fucking Logic.

Any given Sunday. Yes.

It is a no-win. If you pick the name that does better, statistically, you'd have just made a "lucky lucky guess, thank you, babe," and if you pick the guy who twisted his knee five minutes into the second quarter and ended the day with 11 yards rushing on six carries with not a sniff of the end zone, well...have you ever heard the phrase, "he cast a baleful eye towards the beautiful princess, vowing he would never--ever--ask her advice on anything ever again?"

FFPs take the "game" seriously. There are only sixteen games in the NFL season. In Fantasy leagues, the playoffs usually start in Week Fourteen. There is absolutely no room for error.

So, women who read this weak attempt at a blog, some advice: the next time your SBHO (Significant Ball-Hanging Other) asks you a question about his cute little football league, don't answer. Instead--instead!--mention that you'd rather have some meat in your mouth than answer that question. Yeah, it's a sleight-of-hand (mouth), but you will have avoided many daze of manly babyishness.

***

So...should I take Frank Gore of the Niners with my first pick or should I go with a top-notch receiver? I pick seventh out of an eight-person, draft-snaking league.

Whaddya think?

;-P