LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY

Just moseying around the Internet, today, I found a website that is entitled World Sex Records. Most of the snippets (bad word, in this context) come from the book The Illustrated Book of Sexual Records. I liked this blurb:

The "happy ring," also known as the "goat's eyelid,"was first introduced to the Mongol Emperors by Tibetan lamas in the thirteenth century. After a goat was killed its eyelids were removed together with the eyelashes. First they were put in quick-lime to dry; then they were steamed in a bamboo basket for not less than twelve hours -- this procedure was repeated several times. Once completed the process yielded a sex aid that could be tied round the penis (jade-stem) prior to coitus. The goat's eyelashes were supposed to give the woman a pleasant tickling sensation. Modern versions of the "goat's eyelid"- usually made of plastic-can be found in sex aid shops in this country and elsewhere.

And, as for the longest love-making session?

It all depends what you mean by lovemaking. Does it count if you knock off for a sandwich and a drink and then start again? No agreed ground-rules have been established. Anyway one figure that will do for a starter is the fifteen hours recorded by Mae West in her autobiography - a man called "Ted" apparently made love to her for this length of time: He later said that "he was both astounded and pleased at his own abilities."

I'll have what Ted had, barkeep.

This next makes my skin crawl, a bit. Is it mere coincidence that the first Pope mentioned is named Sergius? And--damn, Leo VIII!--if that ain't a sign from God, I don't know what is! Thoughts and prayers, sir. (Not that it means a damned thing, but it's the nice thing to say.)

The Papacy has a startling sexual history. Pope Sergius III arranged, with the help of his mother, that his bastard should become Pope after him. John XII, deposed in A.D. 963, turned St. John Lateran into a brothel: he was accused of adultery and incest. Leo VIII, who replaced him, died stricken in paralysis in the act of adultery. Benedict IX, elected Pope at the age of ten, grew up "in unrestrained license, and shocked the sensibilities even of a dull and barbarous age." Balthasar Cossa, elected Pope to end the Great Schism, later admitted to incest, adultery, and other crimes ("two hundred maids, matrons and widows, including a few nuns, fell victims to his brutal lust"). In one famous occurrence at the court of Pope Alexander VI, prostitutes were called to dance naked before the assembly, after which prizes were offered to those men who, in the opinion of the spectators, managed to copulate with the most number of prostitutes.

"Micropenis." Good God! This makes me feel all right about myself:

Vast numbers of men - in one estimate the greater majority - think that they have a penis much below the average in size. Perhaps they should console themselves with the thought that many men have extremely diminutive organs. Pomeroy states that the smallest penis encountered in the Kinsey surveys was 1 in. long In the Forum study the smallest erect penis was found to be 4.75 in. in length, quite large compared with many of the specimens that do exist. There are instances reported in the medical literature of penises that do not exceed 1 cm. in full erection: such organs are sometimes labelled with the appropriate term "micropenis". And even 1 cm. is not the smallest-sized penis known to medical researchers. There is a condition known as congenital hypoplasia, where the body of the penis is totally absent and the glans is attached to the pubic region. In one such reported case, with an effective penis of much less than 1 cm. in length, the testes and secondary sexual characteristics were found to be quite normal.

Now, this is talent! Corner pocket, off the bumper:

The vagina, usually associated with sexual intercourse and childbirth, can be employed in a variety of other ways. In addition to serving as a money-box the vagina can also play the part of a billiard table, a game seemingly favoured in parts of Scandinavia. Thus one writer (J. C. Lauret in "The Danish Sex Fairs") remarks "The ladies will lift up their skirts... They will sit against the wall, their legs spread well apart. The gentlemen will take their places on the opposite side of the room... Everyone has a try. The object is to flick the glass marbles into the hole of this delightful billiard table. One can guess at the winner's reward..." But this is passive on the part of the woman. The vagina has other possibilities. It can, for instance drink a glass of whisky or play a mouth organ notices E. Chou in "The Dragon and the Phoenix".

Um, talk about a surprise!

Clitoris size has only rarely been of importance in human society. A few communities- Ford and Beach mention the Easter Islanders - have favoured the large clitoris and some natives have tried with varying degrees of success to enlarge this organ in their girls. For the most part however, with a prevailing indifference in the nineteenth-century and early part of the twentieth-century to sexual arousal in women, the clitoris has been neglected. Needless to say, it varies in size. How big are the largest? Theo Lang in "The Difference Between a Man and a Woman" mentions one recorded instance of a woman having a clitoris 2 in. long, and 3 in. "when fully erect". Pomeroy has remarked that clitorises measuring more than 1 in. are very rare in whites, but may occur in 2 or 3 per cent of blacks "measurements of 3 in. and more were obtained from perhaps one out of 300 or 400 black women". Benjamin and Masters note in "The Prostitute in Society" that Parent-Duchalet came across a clitoris that measured 3.14 in. The eighteenth-century Swiss biologist, Albrecht von Haller, is said to have come across a woman with a monstrous clitoris no less than 7 in. long. But the record clitoris is almost certainly the 12 in. specimen mentioned by various writers and quoted (without comment) by W. Francis Benedict in "The Sexual Anatomy of Women".

"It was a one-in-a-million shot, Doc." How could this woman not know?!

Medical men have been called upon to extract a wide variety of objects from the vagina and urethra following masturbation or accident. Usually the woman knew that the object was inside her and requested medical assistance. Sometimes however a foreign body can lodge in the vagina, after an accident of some sort, and the woman can be totally unaware of its presence. A remarkable instance of this sort occurred when a woman fell downstairs (D. W. T. Roberts' "Clinical Surgery", Vol. 15). A broken-off handle of a broom entered the vagina through the buttock. This was not noticed by her or by the casualty officer who treated her. The broom handle remained undetected in the woman's vagina for three months. Eventually the vaginal discharge made her visit her own practitioner, whereupon the offending object was detected and removed.

No shit, Sherlock:

Kisses between men and women usually last for a few seconds. Kisses lasting minutes are unusual, kisses lasting hours quite remarkable. There is a type of kiss called "maraichinage" - after the Maraichins or inhabitants of the district Pays de Mont in the Vendee (Britanny) which quite literally lasts for hours. In this type of exchange the couple mutually explore and caress the inside of each other's mouths with their tongues "as profoundly as possible." Maraichinage has been recommended as a "real antidote against depopulation."

And, finally:

Today we tend to take the brassiere in our stride. Some unhappy folk are still nervous about it and their unease gives scope for simple-minded comedy in West-End theatre and elsewhere. The most controversial bra ad in America was that of the early fifties - those unpermissive times when the jaunty slogan "I Dreamed I Stopped Traffic in My Maidenform Bra" was coined. The situations varied but the girl was always dressed the same: she wore only a brassiere above the waist and wandered around with a vacant look among normally dressed people. The idea was that the undressed state was permissible as the girl was only dreaming. Psychologists debated the implications of the ad and what its impact on women would be. Moralists, as ever, fulminated.