In about seven hours, I will be slouching in the dentist's chair, proffering my gaping maw, cringing 'gainst the high-pitched whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnne of the little drill. Or maybe the big, slow, plodding drill that vibrates my whole head, making me feel as though I were caught in a mini, only-Adam's-melon earthquake.Before either drill, however, my dentist, Dr. Mills, and his sidekick Cindy will bounce a bit of impromptu standup comedy against the white-tiled walls, against my noggin.
[One classic Mills joke is: "If the novocaine doesn't work, we'll just have to conk you over the head with a rubber mallet." Dr. Mills? I only laughed that one time because I was hung over as drunken turkey and my seratonin and dopamine levels were all fucked up, so please if you could can it, sir?]
After the joke session, a fifteen-inch needle will magically appear in Dr. Mills's right hand and with his left he will pinch the inside of my cheek and slide his ever-so-sharp untensil into my Clockwork Orange-propped mouth.
It only hurts for a moment, kids; trust me on that one.
Then.... Then, the fun begins! Whee! Drilling and scraping and Cindy's thigh pressed against my shoulder and Dr. Mills's nasally monologue and white ceiling tiles. My mouth will be jammed open and twisted and pinched and contorted and jagger-slashed and rinsed and spit out and on and on and on.
And then I'll get to pay for it! Whee! In all seriousness, though, thank God for insurance. Instead of 1700 doll hairs, I'll only have to pay, like, three-and-a-half hundred doll hairs. So, that's something good, eh?
Depending upon how smoothly the undertaking goes, I could walk out of there the owner of a new crown, carefully matched in color to my surrounding, yellowed choppers. In all likelihood, though, I'll walk out of there with a temporary crown and I'll get to go back again! Excuse me if I refrain from the "whee!" blast. This dentist shit gets old.
The only good thing about this debacle is that I'll be able to twist his arm into prescribing me some Tylenol 3s...or maybe even some Vicodin! Probably not the V--and I don't think I'd really want the V--but I know that I'll get some Threes out of the deal. Hell, it's the least they could do, what with puttin' me through all that pain and abject sufferin'.
Let this be a lesson to you, kids: when you eat sugar by the spoonful, be sure--damned sure!--to floss afterwards!
That is all. PSA complete.
Happy Card-and-Flower Day to you all...and to all a good (wink wink) night.
15 comments:
Ugh I hope I never have to have any drastic dental procedures!
I had 2 teeth that needed root canals, but at $700 a pop there was no way in hell I could afford that, so instead I told him to yank em out. I sort of regret it, but then again I don't. I dunno. I am also going to the dentist today...at 9am to be exact. $124 (strange amount wouldn't you say?!) for the exam, THEN he'll take a look and tell me what kind of life savings I'll have to come up with to get what I need done. I HATE going to the dentist, but even worse, I hate not having dental insurance. I'll be thinking of you! :)
Yeah, keep flossin' Muirnie. :-O
Tizz: How ironic is *that*?! Both of us going to the torture chambe--er, dentist--on the same day, at the same time (taking in to account, of course, the three-hour time difference)? Fah-reeky. Good luck.
It's not the needle that I hate. It's not even the drill. It's having to keep my mouth open for three hours. So freakin' painful... and those rubber dams. Blech.
I started taking better care of my teeth after a check up in high school that had me scheduled for 14 fillings over the span of three weeks. Awesome.
That's a hell of a way to spend Valentine's Day dude. Hope it all goes smoothly.
ADAM! I hope you're feeling OK right now... tell that sadist to be nice to your grill!!!
Happy Valenslime's Day to you and Lou and Ollie too! (that was poetical)
I LOVE reading your blog-- you are awesome! My pitbull thinks so, too!
Love, JenBun and Zephyr =)
Your insurance sounds better than mine, dammit. We had the choice of two companies: one would pay 50% and the other would pay 50%. I went with the one that pays 50%, but the cost is still staggering.
I need to go, I know I do (keeping all food and all hot or cold liquids from the left side of my mouth clued me in), but Lord, I don't wanna. I really need to stop grinding my teeth. And floss. And go in for cleanings. It's just that I'm still recovering from the last time!
Hope your mouth is back to normal. The numbness is fun, but can wear thin after awhile.
IFfy said: "I started taking better care of my teeth after a check up in high school that had me scheduled for 14 fillings over the span of three weeks. Awesome." I say: Laughing my friggin ass off. With you, of course, not at you. I especially liked the extremely sarcastic "Awesome." :-P
Jay: Yeppers, it went as smoothly as a baby seal's posterior. And, in case you didn't know, that is extremely smooooooth. I overestimated the speed of the process, though. I have to go back two more times; once, to get a temp. crown and once to get the real McCoy. Awesome.
JenBun: Hiya! Welcome to the madness! Pull up a folding chair and enter my mind! :-P Oh, and give yon dawg a kiss on her snout for me. Pit Bulls kick ass, don't they? =o) By the way, my mouf feels fine. The dentist is about as non-sadistic as they come--he is always asking me--when I wince and close my eyes--"You okay, there, Adam?" To which I answer, "Mmph gugguh roakoouh."
Melmac the Greatest: I take it that it was six of one and a half dozen of the other? I am so glad for yout that you went with Tweedle-Dee...'twas a wise choice. Go to the dentist! DO IT! =o\ You'll be thanking yourself later...as will your teefers.
I was drilling tonight, and I don't have a dentist license!! Hope it's been a good one for you dude.
"Mmph gugguh roakoouh" back! Glad your mouth is okay!
Thanks for the welcome-- I think I'll be making myself comfortable! ;)
Also, pit bulls? Are the BEST!!! They are so sweet and loyal and loving and goofy. My friend's kid wrote an essay about how his pit bull, Bonnie, is one of the "people" he most looks up to ... he even wrote "We take Bonnie with us everywhere so she can meet everyone. We want everyone to know that pit bulls are nice. We should change the name to Love Bull. Bonnie the Love Bull is my hero and my best friend because she's such a good girl."
AWWWW!!! Now I tell Zephyr she's a lovebull. Feel free to send Louie the memo. =)
Puppy kisses,
JenBun
Now my teef hurt. I hate going to the dentist...my mouth is going to put his children through college fo sho. Yikes. Flashbacks.
I hope you and Miss Meeg had a rockin' good time. ;)
Aloha: Drilling without a license?! Uh-oh. That could be a...messy ending. ;-)
Jen: My mouth is aw'ight, thanks very much. I called Lou a "love bull" and he just looked at me and blinked. It may take some time for it to sink in. =o)
Nighthawk: =o) Oh, for sure.
My podiatrist has a schtick, too. Everyone is either a young lady or a young man, no matter how old.
Flahhggaah neeemeeh booboo.
I have no idea what that means, but it's kinda what I sound like on mouth-numby stuff. Hope you've mended some by now. :)
Hope you're ok!!
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