Friday, December 14, 2007

IT'S 1:22 IN THE MORNING...

And the neighbor's dog has been out there in their backyard barking for the last--oh, I don't know--20 minutes straight. It is a fluffy white dog, and it kinda looks like the fake Oliver in this picture to the right. (I need my killing Oliver to death ray the son-of-a-bitch to, well, sleep.)

It barks.

It barks.

It fucking barks! Wake up, lady! Let your fucking dog inside, damn it!

Sorry that I lost my head. I feel like Elaine from that Seinfeld epsiode in which the little ragamuffin dog the next apartment over barks at all hours of the night and Elaine suffers and suffers and suffers until finally she can take it no longer and hires Newman to "off" the dog.

Maybe the lady next door died. Or maybe she's drunk off her ass on Wild Turkey, or addicted to Valium or Vicodin or Percocet or some other kind of mind-altering chemical. Maybe she's trying to get the neighboring neighbors to think that The Barker is one of my pups. No. Uh-uh. Not mine. If they--let's just put it this way: the only way that they'd be outside at 1:30 in the morning, barking their fool heads off would be if I were in the bathroom, shitting out a lung. (That analogy? It works. Work with me, here. I'm friggin' tired.)

And the dog doesn't even string together a good volley of barks. It's almost like Chinese Doggy Torture: one bark, pause, one bark, pause--oh, wait! It just barked twice in rapid succession. Saaaaaaaa-weet!

Hopefully the lady wakes up soon.

Maybe I'll bring it up nicely to her the next time that I see her. "Hey! Trampy Jane! When your dog barks at 1:40 in the friggin' aye-em?! Let his ass in!"

>:-+

13 comments:

Jay said...

Does the dog bite? Cause if it doesn't maybe you could get one of those little muzzles and put one on the dog. Then you could slide a note under the muzzle to the lady asking her if she gets the hint.

I can't stand people who just let their dogs bark all night. Actually, the police will write a ticket here if somebody won't stop their dog from barking.

Candy said...

Ugh, we have a bunch of people around here who do the same thing. One time, the guy across the street, who is single and hosts drunken revelry every weekend, fell asleep in a stupor and forgot his dog was outside. At 2AM I called the cops. They rang his bell for an hour, but he never answered.

Best part, the cops couldn't decide what to do for the dog, who they couldn't seem to catch (?) so at the end of the hour they just drove away. I love law enforcement.

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

I can't say we have the same problem with the dogs. I will say that we have an issue with ineffective car alarms blasting in the middle of the night. Infuriating. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to scream out the window "JUST STEAL THE FUCKIN' THING" i the middle of the night. So far, it hasn't worked.

Melissa said...

When did it end? Did she let the dog back in?

Nanette said...

Until you can strangle the owner, may I suggest ear plugs?

The One and Only A said...

Jay: Good advice, but i don't think that would go over too well. =o)

Candy: Maybe the cops were late for their coffee and doughnuts?

IF: I hear ya on the car alarm phenomenon. There are so many that go off when they shouldn't that I think their effectiveness must have dropped sharply. I mean, people hear them and it's almost like background noise, now.

Mel: It ended right after I posted this. Coincidence? I think not. ;-)

Nanny: Next time it happens, I'll plug 'em in. Fo' shizzle.

Anonymous said...

Thankfully our neighbors dogs are really well behaved, they only bark if strangers come around and that's not too often. I feel for ya though, trying to sleep and hearing barking sucks! We sleep with a fan on every night to drown out any misc noises and I love it! When the power goes out it takes some serious getting used to!

autumnanjel said...

I have these weird neighbors next door. Sometimes it seems like they sleep all day long, while of course leaving their dog outside. The dog will bark for hours on end and it's like, why do you have a dog? There are other times they will let the dog out at 6 am on a saturday and let the thing bark. And it is one of those non stop distress barks that is enough to make someone go insane. One time I called the cops on them at 11:30 at night because they wouldn't answer their door when I was going to politely tell them that I was trying to sleep. Then they apologized. They still do it from time to time. Some people just never get it.

The One and Only A said...

Tizzy: LOL I sleep with a fan on, too...a heating fan, but you're right: one gets used to the static hummmmm of the appliance.

Lisa: "And it is one of those non stop distress barks that is enough to make someone go insane." LOL Too funny...I definitely know of what you speak.

Sugar Kane said...

That's the worst! Maybe you should wake up really early one morning and stand outside her bedroom window blowing a whistle.

The One and Only A said...

Hahahaha, Sugary Wondah! That's great. Too funny. I can just picture it in my mind: Blank-faced and inexorably, right? Tweet! Pause. Tweet! Pause. Tweet!

Rumbles said...

I live in an area where the houses are close together and the yards are small... so people go and buy these dogs with "little dog syndrome" and it drives me insane!! Whats the point of having a fluffy little dog that doesn't understand "sit" or can't even lift a stick? The one behind my house just barks and barks... sometimes I lean out the window and scream at it to "shut up" (I know I'm a lovely neighbour) and only then does the owner bother trying to make an effort at keeping the thing quiet. Ok I could go on but there is no point... you understand the pain already. Gimme a big dog any day.

Heather said...

My cat doesn't bark at all ;-)