COMPUTER WOES

Wow. I just installed Norton 360 on the computer and, lemme tell you, it was not a pleasant experience. Now, I wanted to protect the computer because, as we all know, the threats of viruses and worms and "trojans" are rising exponentially every day, but--damn!--I had not realized that it would be so damned stressful!

It took forever to install, first off. It had to swat aside some bullshit program called "Windows Protector," and then it took a long fricking time to install itself. Then, once it was finally installed, I was unable to get on the Internet. It had to have something to do with the firewall protection, right? Well, I fucked around a bit with the firewall settings and even disabled it at one point, but, still, no dice, no go. Well, I thought to myself, I guess I need some help; I reckon I'll have to call Technical Support. That turned out to be a fucking joke: the support part, that is. I looked all over the got-damned box and all throughout the flippin' "instruction" manual, and nowhere did I see an 800-number. No, all that I saw was a tip to go to their technical support/help page on the 'Web. Now, how the hell am I supposed to go to their website if I can't even get on the fucking 'Net?! It was driving me crazy. If I'd had hair on the top my head, I'd have torn it out. I was having fantasies of ripping the computer tower and the monitor from thier moorings and flinging them through the window onto the cold February mucky ground of Michigan.

I tried a couple of half-hearted 800 numbers (1-800-Norton360 and 1-800-Symantec) but, obviously, nothing worked. I needed to get online to get the phone number to be able to get online. If that sounds confusing, if that sounds like a rat in a maze banging his head against an electrical port to get an almond or a piece of cheese, yes, that's what that was. Finally, I thought to call my sister, Melissa, and see if she could go online and get me that oh-so elusive, oh-so helpful 800-number. I got her voicemail and so I left a message and went back to pulling out my nonexistent hair. I remembered, then, that my mom had said something about going to visit dear sis Meliss, so I figured maybe, just maybe, Melissa had taken the day off from work and thus could be reached at her home. So, I called her and, yes, she was at home. I pleaded my case to her and she said that, sure, she'd look online for the number but, be warned, A-Bomb, her computer was running slowly, too. That's when I started thinking to myself, Hmm...terrorist attack? Anyway, her computer was running slowly and I hung up the 'phone and brewed myself some coffee as I waited for her page to load. (She, in the interim, had made iced tea and taken a pee-break. God love speedy computers, huh?) Eventually I got the number from her and thanked her and called the (408) 517-8000 number, hoping that I'd be able to deal with Symantec quickly and efficiently so that I wouldn't have to use minutes on my Sprint phone (They're another group of thieving bastards with whom I'll have to deal. Their contract apparently doesn't mean squat, what with the bills that they're sending me.). I called the 408 number and, luckily quickly heard an 800 shout-out. I immediately hung up and called the 800 number and, after navigating my way through a bunch of computer voice-prompts, found myself a place in the virtual landscape to drag up a rock and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

The computer lady thanked me for my patience and pleasantly warned me that if I hung up and called back (apparently to circumnavigate the minimum 30-minute wait time) I'd unfortunately be sent back to the end of the virtual line, as the calls were to be answered in the order in which they had appeared. I wasn't about to fuck around with the computer lady with the saccharine-sweet voice, so I held and doodled on a pad, and while I was doodling, opened up Norton 360 and went to "Settings" and fumbled around in the "Firewall" section for a bit. There was a tab called "Traffic," so I opened it up and fucked around a bit and, lo and behold, figured out that I needed to tell Norton what I wanted it to allow. How fucked up is that?! I eventually figured out that Norton, that bastard, wanted to be told to allow access to Internet Explorer. I guess I'd just thought that that was a given. No. Apparently? Not. I encouraged Norton, that bastard, to allow Internet Explorer and then clicked on the icon and--to what to my wondering eyes did appear?--my homepage.

God.

What a fucking hassle. But, I'll tell you this: All is well that ends well and if Norton, that bastard, protects me from worms and viruses and tarantulas and "trojans" then, I guess, I'll tip my hat to him. Begrudgingly, though, definitely begrudgingly.

And now, after, damn-near four hours on this machine, I can get off my ass and go take care of what I'd taken the day off to do: finish the upstairs, painting the walls and installing the ceiling tiles.

::sigh::