Wednesday, September 24, 2008


So, see, the thing is, I really haven't been Rollerblading as much as I ought to. I purchased some rad 'blades last year (really cool skates--easy on, easy off, and as fast off the line as a sex addict at a lingerie show) but this season, for whatever reason, I have not had the urge to 'blade about town. Two reasons for this, methinks: one, the roads around where I live absolutely suck for Rollerblading. They are pitted and old and cracked and worn and sometimes, when I skate over them, it feels like I am skating on a vibrating hotel bed--Magic Fingers o' Gravel. And the second reason, of course (it always comes back to this) my knees suck.

But recently I have become sick and tired of coming home from work and tapping in to my newest addiction, Grand Theft Auto IV on the Xbox 360, and, also, did I mention that Oliver is a fat-ass? So I figured I would kill two birds with one stone. Exercise, outside air, and, perhaps, some melting of Oliver's rotund black-and-tan bowling ball body.

[The idea of taking both Oliver and Louie with me on my 'blades flitted ever-so briefly across my mind and then I reasoned with myself that nothing good could come of that. I'd either end up splattered against the grill of a Mack truck or Ollie would be dragged behind me as I would be dragged behind Lou...kind of like an elephant parade with my dislocated shoulders being the nasty orange Circus Peanuts. So...Lou stayed home.]

Ollie and I departed Home Base.

Now, listen, I didn't expect Oliver to be Louie-esque in his pulling ability--seriously, when Lou is on a Rollerbladed leash, I don't have to even think about skating for the first four or five blocks; I just have to concentrate on rolling, standing tall, not wiping out--but Ollie completely disappointed me. He ran with me for the first four or five minutes, but then, after that, he was basically dead weight. I had to repeatedly stop for him and wait for His Pudgy Highness to catch up. Three times, during the too-short jaunt around the block, Oliver's collar just slid right off his neck--slid right off the rolls, as it were--because I was going too fast. And once I had to pick him up and Rollerblade around a corner with him in my arms...a floppy-eared canine lamb.

We arrived back home, and I chatted and Ollie became acquainted with the neighbors and then we walked in the side door and Lou, excited to see his little buddy again, smacked him upside the head a couple of times and went off to chew his bone. My human-to-canine translating skillz are a little dusty, but I think what Lou was saying was, "You fool! You had a chance to run outside, spend some quality time with the Foodbringer, let your oversized ears flop in the wind, check out the bitches...and you blew it, dude! Whassa mattah with you? Geez!"

Don't worry, Louie. Ollie and I will go again. And you and I will, too. Just don't go too fast, y'hear? You have to remember that I ain't a tough Boxer/Pit like you. I am a human being and my skin does shred and my bones do break.


In other news, my 2002 Ford Focus hatchback turns one hundred thousand in a hundred fourteen miles. If you want to send it a birthday present (cash is what it wants; it told me) just hit me up with an email and I'll give you the pertinent information.



buxindi said...

i'm glad there was no splat on the pavement. ollie just wanted to take it easy with you the first time you tried your blades this year. not being able to ice skate, my first encounter with skating on pavement was with a pair of regular skates (fitted with heavy duty wheels). i didn't have knee pads or wrist guards yet, but i thought a short jaunt would be ok. unlike "blades", 4 wheels have more surface area to catch a stone, and after no more than 2 minutes on the street, i fell...hard. my knees have never recovered...the right one is still numb to the touch and it has been 5 or 6 years. i learned that skating outside is not for me. but with blades, i hear it is a lot of fun. here's to finding that perfect patch of asphalt.

Anonymous said...

Well I'm glad that you didn't do a face plant and end up with a missing dog! LOL :)

Heather said...

Oh man you're reminding me I should break out my blades again...but they hurt my feet so badly! Ugh. I totally need a little doggie engine to help me along...think Tink could pull it off? ;)

Adamity_Bomb_Bomb said...

Heyyyy, BooBoo...what's in the pic-a-nic basket? Ollie *wishes* he could take it easy on me. ;-) I'm sorry about your knees. One time--2 minutes--and five years of numbness. That just ain't right. As to the perfect patch of asphalt? I think it's up in Troy or the Bloomfields, or something. :-\

Sporky: Yeah, no missing dog. Ollie just kind of waddled towards me and sheepishly allowed me to put his collar back on. I had to pay extra attention to his ears--they kept getting caught in the collar when i put it back on. Kid's got some Dumbos on him. :-P

Muir: You know? These skates really hurt the arches and the sides of my feet. I am going with the theory that that too will pass...once I wear them and break them in. No pain, no gain. =o)

Melissa said...

Do knee braces help?

Keep taking Ollie out (blading or walking) and he'll get fitter. Pretty soon he WILL be dragging you behind! Or heeling nicely, whichever.

JenBun said...

Look at that adorable little pumpkin!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to play with his ears.

Adamity_Bomb_Bomb said...

Meliss: Yep, neoprene (sp?) braces work on the knees. With shorts on, though, I would feel like a complete dork to be wearing knee braces whilst 'blading. Shoot, if I were to wear knee braces might I not as well go in whole hog and rock the helmet and knee pads and elbow pads and pocket protector look?


JenBun: I think the pumpkin would like that very much. :-)

Frank said...

I've never owned a pair of roller blades, owing to the fact that I'm already terribly unstable with both feet planted on the ground - much less with wheels strapped to the bottom of them.

Adamity_Bomb_Bomb said...

Well, Franklin, you need to work on your stability.

Here is a trick I picked up from my time in the circus: Pretend your feet are toboggans.

Seriously. Try it. It worked for me. When I was in the circus, I used to fall a lot. And, yes, I fell when i was vendoring elephant ears. Then--one Day--the hottest tightrope walker came over to me. Her name was Teresa and her thighs could break a man's skull (I leartned that later.).

Anyway, she taught me the Toboggan Trick, ande I thank her to this day.

Remember Frank: the only people who fall are the elderly, the toddlers, the physically-impaired, and the drunks.

The rest of us should not fall.