So. I was driving down 10 Mile Road, on my way to the Get-n-Go for some Ben and Jerry's iced cream, some Mountain Dew and some cigarettes (I know, I know--I am the paragon of health) and I heard an advertisement on the local classic rock station for evercleanse, a product that promises to help the user lose unwanted pounds. I usually let commercials slide unnoticed between my ears, but this time, for some reason, I was all at-attention. I think this was the phrase that caught my attention (and I'm paraphrasing): "Evercleanse helps you to shed unwanted pounds! By ridding your colon of the accumulation of years of waste--sometimes 5 to 20 pounds!--that collects along the walls of your colon like spackling!"I vomited all over the dashboard at the mental image that that garnered. No. Actually, I didn't. Actually, I threw up in my mouth a little bit, re-tasting the corned beef-and-bologna-and-onion sammiches that I'd had a few hours before. Again, no. I didn't. Actually, I burped daintily and wondered to myself just what the hell that "spackling" would look like. And then I got to thinking about just how this "miracle colon cleanser" would work.
How would it work? Why, it'd make ya shit. all. the. time. Wouldn't it?! And then I got to thinking that maybe Evercleanse should have the following listed, its lawyer speak, in small print:
Evercleanse is to be in no way held liable for the following, but not excluded to: copious pooping while on job interviews; incessant shitting in church; a constant flood of odious liquid excrement while sitting at the local Long John Silver; "accident" farts in traffic; Grand Canyon-esque skid marks in your best BVDs.
I think you'd be having to shit all the time. What a pain in the ass (no pun intended).
I think I'll try to lose weight the old-fashioned way: diet and exercise.
***
I had to add this edit. It's a "blog" about colon cleansing, authored by a woman named "Dawn." In italics, she states that, because it is a pretty private topic, the name is a pseudonym and the picture isn't hers. I had to laugh. How do you think the woman whose picture is "Dawn" would feel if she knew that her mug was being used to, ostensibly, promote a website that goes into great depth about mucoid plaque? I'm sure she'd be thrilled.
27 comments:
He says as he continues his journey to pick up the Ben and Jerry's and Mountain Dew...
(I heart B&J, btw.)
Five to 20 pounds?!? That's amazing. I can't believe they said "spackling.' I will never forget that term.
Very creative small print lawyer speak!
Why, why the picture??
Terry: Yeah, BJ is great. (Um, did I just sa that?! I'm so shocked.) I love all their flavors. It's either BJs or Strohs Moosetracks, for me.
Missy-Poo: Oh, they said spackling. LOL You should see a website that I came across whilst "investigating" for this hard-hitting post. One lady--who is a self-professed colonic addict--added some pictures of the "mucoid plaque." It's, uh, how to say, a little nasty, with a capital N and A and S and T. And, aw hell, a capital Y, too. The pictures show, like, this long stringy brown stuff, held on display by a latex gloved hand. Try finding it yourself! Google "evercleanse" and then go to, like, a site entitled "the dangers of colonics. Interesting, to say the least. Plus?! They have great pikshurz! ;-)
Frank: For the gross-out factor, of course. :-P
Poop Chute Spackler would be a terrific name for a... superhero... of some kind...
Hey, it's better than "Dawn."
Is bulimia and anorexia a thing of the past? Huh, maybe I need to update my diet.
Sassy: Welcome to the blog! =o) "Poop Chute Spackler"--sounds like a superhero of the gay variety. ;-)
BBSD: Update the diet? You're tellin' me!
Ewwww, Adam... GROSS!!!
This is really funny. I heard a radio pitch for Evercleanse last weekend. So, I actually checked out their website. Let me tell you, you are absolutely correct about the gross-out factor.
(Believe me. If you haven't been grossed beyond belief already just by the ideas expressed here by Adamity, then go there and look at THE PICTURES. Seriously. Big-time gross. Puking gross. Gross so gross you might hunt me down and kill me for having suggested going there gross.)
GROSS? That's me, JenBun! ;-)
Sully: See, "Edit." :-P NASty shit. Actually, no pun intended.
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