Thursday, April 26, 2007


My stomach is becoming a bother, to me. I was dressing, yesterday, and I happened to glance in the full-length mirror on my closet door as I bent off the side of the bed to pull on a gray sock and I had to quickly avert my eyes. I seem to be developing "Dunlap Disease." Why?! Whence could this malady arise?! What of it that I eat ice cream and cold cuts and get not an iota of exercise?!
That should have no bearing upon my body!

I'll stop with the exclamation points! Soon! Okay! Okay!


So. I am getting fat. I am losing my impishly-girlish figure and I am maturing into an old haggard matron. My breasts are beginning to sag and my hair--the hair that I have left and if it were allowed to grow more than an eighth of an inch--is graying.

I am 34.

My God, Adam! Get off your ass and exercise! Use it or lose it, ya fuckin' maroon!

I would. Seriously, I would. I used to love playing basketball. And going for an occasional jog. But, then, two life-altering events took place. One, my joints began to desert me. Knees, ankles, wrists, elbows, shoulders, neck, penises...etcetera. How fun is it to play basketball when one knows--knows, I say!--that when one is done one will feel as though one's left knee is "all blew up like-a dat Hiroshima bomb done for-shizzled in its nizzle?"
Uh. Yeah. That's one.
Two, I became addicted to the Internet. Like a 14-year-old girl breathlessly banging open the door after school to see who had written her on her MySpace after she posted a nice new rhyming poem. Yeah. That's two. Al Gore is an asshole, all creating the Internet and everything.

All together now! "Al. Gore. Is. An. Asshole!"

All together now! "Arthritis. Is. A. Summabitch!"

I threw a Frisbee last Saturday. I threw it during a round of Frisbee Golf, oddly enough. Now, listen: I throw--and have thrown my entire life--a Frisbee lefthanded, even though I am, naturally, righthanded. But when I play disc golf, I throw my "drives" side-arm righthanded and my approach and putts lefthanded backhand. Follow? Well, regardless, I decided to shake it up a bit, this season, and throw my "drives" with my natural Frisbee-throwing hand--the left. (I don't know if this is making any sense.) Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I threw three or four practice tosses, lefthanded, and now, almost a week later, I still can't grip a can of olives, for instance, without a shooting pain encompassing my left elbow. I'm, as they say in the Docks of Boon, "all warshed up-like."

I am disgusted with my joints and I wish to trade them in, to perhaps purchase--if need be--brand new joints. Trouble is, I have no idea where the nearest Joints R Us is...and the fucking Yellow Pages are no gosh-damned help, neither-like.

By the way, happy Fried-Day. May your day be bright and flavour-filled.


Nanette said...

Would you like to have a mirror smashing party? Time is cruel and unusual. :P

The One and Only A said...

Yes. I. Would.

"Cruel and unusual," hence, unconstitutional. Let's dial up Bushie, see what he says. On second thought.... :-O

Sugar Kane said...

In 10 days I turn 30. In preparation for the big event my body decided to grow 4 white hairs in the middle of my forehead. Now isn't that a lovely gift from myself?

Getting old blows.

The One and Only A said...

Yes, it does, Sugar. Think of it this way, though: You have 9.5 days from which to squeeze the very essence of the 20s. Squeeze wisely. ;-)

"Four white hairs." Hell, it could be worse. At least they're on your forehead! =o)

Sugar Kane said...

Oh, I'm squeezing!

Not sure I agree. Other 'areas' look nicer smooth. Foreheads do not.

The One and Only A said...

Point definitely taken and I wholeheartedly do agree! =o)

Sylvia said...

First off 34 is not "old"
Second..there is something very very attractive about older guys..just look at george clooney for christs sakes ;-)

The One and Only A said...

Thanks, Missile! I taught Clooney all he knows...especially that facial expression in which he kind of looks up from beneath his black catepillar eyebrows. You know the move. It's the one that makes all the girlies say, "OMG! George Clooney is drrrreeeeaaaammmmy!"

(And then they make s'mores and have pillow fights in their lingerie.)

Sylvia said...

How did you know??
That's EXACTLY what we do after watching an old episode of ER ;-)

The One and Only A said...

See?! I *knew* I was right! Shit, since I'm on *this* kinda roll, I think I ought to fly out to Vegas and play some roulette!

Sylvia said...

take me!! Believe it or not ive never been to vegas.
And i play a mean game of poker ;-)

Can we work out a deal?

The One and Only A said...

I've never gone either. Okay. It's decided. We're Vegas-bound in what if it's 119 degrees in the shade in a Vegas August? ;-)

(But me some Ramen Noodles and it's a done deal.)

Sylvia said...

119 degrees huh?

We will strip down to our birthday suits, hop in those big flurescent light sprinklers, get arrested, have a bologna sandwich in the joint and have ourselves a good time? ;-)

amazed adam said...

It's as if you have read my mind, Missile! ;)