That should have no bearing upon my body!
I'll stop with the exclamation points! Soon! Okay! Okay!
So. I am getting fat. I am losing my impishly-girlish figure and I am maturing into an old haggard matron. My breasts are beginning to sag and my hair--the hair that I have left and if it were allowed to grow more than an eighth of an inch--is graying.
I am 34.
My God, Adam! Get off your ass and exercise! Use it or lose it, ya fuckin' maroon!
I would. Seriously, I would. I used to love playing basketball. And going for an occasional jog. But, then, two life-altering events took place. One, my joints began to desert me. Knees, ankles, wrists, elbows, shoulders, neck, penises...etcetera. How fun is it to play basketball when one knows--knows, I say!--that when one is done one will feel as though one's left knee is "all blew up like-a dat Hiroshima bomb done for-shizzled in its nizzle?"
Uh. Yeah. That's one.
Two, I became addicted to the Internet. Like a 14-year-old girl breathlessly banging open the door after school to see who had written her on her MySpace after she posted a nice new rhyming poem. Yeah. That's two. Al Gore is an asshole, all creating the Internet and everything.
All together now! "Al. Gore. Is. An. Asshole!"
All together now! "Arthritis. Is. A. Summabitch!"
I threw a Frisbee last Saturday. I threw it during a round of Frisbee Golf, oddly enough. Now, listen: I throw--and have thrown my entire life--a Frisbee lefthanded, even though I am, naturally, righthanded. But when I play disc golf, I throw my "drives" side-arm righthanded and my approach and putts lefthanded backhand. Follow? Well, regardless, I decided to shake it up a bit, this season, and throw my "drives" with my natural Frisbee-throwing hand--the left. (I don't know if this is making any sense.) Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I threw three or four practice tosses, lefthanded, and now, almost a week later, I still can't grip a can of olives, for instance, without a shooting pain encompassing my left elbow. I'm, as they say in the Docks of Boon, "all warshed up-like."
I am disgusted with my joints and I wish to trade them in, to perhaps purchase--if need be--brand new joints. Trouble is, I have no idea where the nearest Joints R Us is...and the fucking Yellow Pages are no gosh-damned help, neither-like.
By the way, happy Fried-Day. May your day be bright and flavour-filled.