The bottle is winning. It is kicking my ass. Hard. It is an old-school ass-whipping.
Beer, vodka, wine...whatever. As long as it is an alcoholic beverage, I am down with it. I am down with it and it brings me down. So damned down. So damned low.
It is far from fun, anymore.
It is a motherfucking disease. It has to be. Why else would I continue to pour this poison down my throat? Why else would I put work and love on the back burners? Why?
Why?!
My name is Adam and I am a blistering alcoholic. Just fucking blistering. Mad burning flames surround my yearning, my want, for alcoholic beverages. I have the tool box that I need to combat this evil life-sapper, yet I shove that tool box into the shed; I cover it with a tarp and forget that I ever had it at all.
I'll tell you this: This is not living. This is shit. The fear, the pain, the hurt, the melancholic meanderings day after day after day...it completely sucks.
When I do not drink, life, sometimes, gets very fucking boring. But what is worse? Boredom or this ever-tightening noose of alcoholism? I'll take the noose for a thousand, Alex. That--this--is much much worse.
The bottle is kicking my ass. It's really not even a fair fight anymore. And it can--and will--only get worse. Unless I can find some spine. Unless I seek help, go to meetings, take Antabuse, drag my nuts out from my ass and man the fuck up.
Being bitten by the bottle-bug is a tragedy. Alcoholism is tragic. I consider myself a pretty special person. I have much love to impart to the world. But I'm burying it underneath this fucking monster addiction. If I continue down this road of self-destruction I will lose all that matters to me. Fuck. Lose it? No, I'll give it away.
I am not prepared to take a dump on what I hold dear. I am neither ready nor willing to throw it all away.
I'm. Not.
Tell that to the bottle, Adam. Tell it to the bottle.
Words are words, man. That's all they are. I need to see Action. Blistering Alcoholic Boy? It is faaar past time to nut up, to sack up, and take motherfucking bull by the horns. Or by the balls, as it were.
This is my life. Mine. Life is *so* much more God-damned beautiful and fulfilling than waking and cracking a beer-top and smothering oneself with the "nectar of the gods."
Enough! Enough with the Dionysian Lethargy.
I talk a mean game, don't I?
Some days, I hardly even know what day of the week it is. Is today Wednesday? No. It's Tuesday, right?
I feel the tears welling up. I am in so much fucking pain, right now.
But I have Faith. I have Faith that I'll emerge from the other side of this self-made maelstrom a stronger individual. I do have Faith.
And that counts a whole hell of a lot, damn it.
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16 comments:
Damn, Adam. Look, I know the feeling, albeit with another substance (cocaine, I think you knew that) and while it's good to give yourself a pep talk, beating yourself up ain't the way to go, is it?
You know some of the things that work for you, though, so I truly won't have the gall to tell you what's right and wrong. I'll give you something that helped me through the toughest times. It's a list.
Not a list of things that you're destroying, or people you're hurting, or any of that crap. Make a list of those things you truly LOVE to do. Make sure they are all things you can do without the "aid" of your addictive substance for enhancement of the pleasure. Then do some of those things, as you're able, whenever you get the slightest urge to do the other shit.
For instance, I used bowling, playing softball, visiting my local Science Museum, going to my childhood church, taking a walk in a certain nice place, etc., etc.
Make your list your own. Fill it with AT LEAST 20 things you like to do. Hell, the activity of making the list, in itself, might take your mind off of things for a few minutes.
This is NOT my idea of a cure-all, but it's a helpful tool to get you through the wavering times. Focus your mind on feeling good without the shit. And the more good times you have without chemical aid, the more you'll look back and say to yourself that you don't need the shit all the time. Right?
God bless. Anything I can do to help, you let me know.
Mister Jim: I absolutely LOVE your list idea.
I absolutely HATE this Drunken Adam personality which I have ALLOWED to infiltrate my being.
Addiction sucks whale "blubber," doesn't it?
There are not enough Blues to weep.
I am pissed and sad and, yes, hopeful. I am filled with hope.
I am sick of the Alcoholic Adam-Bomb, Sully. I am really very tired of him.
The motherfucker just does *not* stop. In a perverse way, I am in awe--AWE--of his strength. I am in AWE of his--my--capacity to abuse myself.
My mother asked me earlier today if I were sad as a child. No. Nope.
I just have a bad motherfucking disease. I was bitten by the bottle-bug and the result has been nothing less than tragic.
I drink great--copious amounts--but my drinking drains my greatness.
Without outside help, I am fucked.
Peace to you and congratulations on your 20 years sobriety from the White Powder Devil.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Booyah.
Adam, I read your posts on my google reader all the time. I've been so happy for you lately even amidst the tragedy of all that has gone on. You are so genuine and open about it all. I hope you can pull through to the other side without punching yourself in the gut too many times. I'm pulling for you. Let the strength inside of you win. Let that strength punch your weak parts in the gut.
My dear, dear brother,
Faith does count. You are so much stronger than you know, do you realize that? It takes much more strength to carry on as you have been than it will to take that first step. Actually, you did take that first step - calling a sponsor. I heard hope in your voice yesterday afternoon. I heard you testing the waters to determine whether you’d be welcome back. And boy, are you ever welcome back.
I know how broken and lost you feel right now, and I know how much you want things to be different, how you don‘t like what you’ve been doing or how you’ve acted . If there were a well of love and courage and fuck-off-alcohol that I could add to, I’d pour in whatever I’ve got, down to the last drop. I can’t do that, but I can tell you that I do see the seeds of change, that I see you wanting that beautiful garden.
WATER IT.
It’s hard being on the outside. I’ve wanted to smack the shit out of you in one move and scoop you up and hug you in the next.
You are loved. You are strong. You can do this.
Listen to your sister, my friend. And let me add one other thing, please. Don't think that just because you fall off of the wagon that you're not allowed to get right back onto it, you know? Failing once (or twice, or six times, or whatever) does not mean you'll never succeed. Don't use that as an excuse to fail, but don't use failure as an excuse to not succeed, either, OK?
I pretty much agree with everyone else. We're all pulling for you dude.
you go, dude ... I like Sully's approach ... stick with the good, make the list, don't ever diss y'self (remember that game you played a while back? no written or verbal self-trashing for a week? ...try it on again).
We're hearing your strength and will shinin' thru ...take it and run! love you
I had a feeling. You've been too quiet around these parts. Adam, you have some good advice on this page. And in reading your words you do have the answers. Sometimes, it's not only one day at a time, it's one second, or minute or hour at a time. That can be overwhelming to some, but if you look at the big picture and all you have to loose that's important to you, then I'm sure you can see the benefits of the straight and narrow. And now that I may have written the longest run on sentence ever, I will close by saying I've been lax in my prayers for a lot of people lately, but knowing you've been having a rough time of it, I made it my business to start my nightly ritual again. And you were at the top of the list, Friend.
I'm always just an email away. If you need a buddy, you can find me. Hugs
Don't ever give up hope Adam. There are so many people who believe in you, who love you. I can't say that I know how you feel, but I can say that I know you have it in you. Yes, you ARE a special person, and a strong, wonderful, and beautiful person. Melissa (and the rest of your family) loves you so much and everybody is supporting you and pulling for you. You aren't supposed to feel like this; life isn't supposed to be like this. You are supposed to be happy and your life is meant to be filled with joy and laughter. ALL of that is waiting for you just around the corner. Just get up man. Get up and take a walk down that road and around that corner. If you get lost or turned around...just get the FUCK back up, walk down that street again, and you WILL round that corner. I have no doubt.
Thank you all for your prayers and comments. It means quite a bit to me.
I've started the healing process again. I know this is a broken record, but that is how it is sometimes.
I have my no-drinking pill in my body, I have meetings that I go to and i have the knowledge that THIS SHIT IS GETTING OLD.
So, I start up the water wagon again.
Thanks for the thoughts, guys and gals. They mean a lot to me.
Doesn't matter whether we've heard the song before, it's a favorite.
Keep playing it, please.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Hey Adam.. I know you have the fire in the belly to climb back on when the bull throws you off. Keep trying! I'm with you in spirit.. wish I could be with you in person.
Love you so much.
Yeah, and keep us updated. Writing about it can help, maybe?
Alexis: It is really good to hear from you dear sister. So, so far, it's been a week. That is good.
I miss the buzz and the "check-out," but I (think) I like better the clear-headedness and a min d driven by logic rather than dependency.
=)
I'll see you soon.
Suldog: Haven't felt much like writing lately...but I will. For sure, I will.
Please do! Write, that is. I miss seeing your name in Google Reader and even more I miss hearing how things are going, how you're doing, what the boys are up to, what's happening at work, etc.
And dude. Is your camera broken or something??
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