Life can throw curveballs. Life can be boring and can suck. But! Life is life.You have to take the good with the bad.
If you read this blog at all, you know with what I struggle. Sometimes, it kicks my ass. Recently, it has done just that.
But, you know? I still have humor in my heart. I still have love on my lips. Will these attributes stay forever? Sure they will. I have to make a major change, though. Can I do it? I can. Will I do it? I must.
I have been off of work for the past two days (daze)--unpaid--with a "stomach issue." I have peeved people off and--generally, generously--I have been but a bump on a log.
I sense a lot of wasted potential, here. (That was sarcasm.)
Do y'all get sick of hearing this drivel? I know I do. I also know that you three or four readers, too, get sick of hearing this drivel.
I'm trying to feel optimistic. I am trying to feel good about myself. Sometimes, it is hard gosh-damned work.
But, as I mentioned above, I *do* have Faith. I *do* have Love in my life and Laughter behind my lips. I just...do. No matter how much I allow myself to beat myself into the ground, I maintain hope and faith.
I know--*know*--I have work to do. Much, much work.
But I have faith in God and, plus, I have faith in myself.
I will not allow my downturns, my failings, my uber-pecadillos, to drag me down. I just won't.
5 comments:
I just won't.
GOOD. I've been missing you. Faith, love, and laughter will buoy you while you start on that work. Sending you love and strength. xoxox.
Good, Adam. I truly believe that there is ALWAYS the very real possibility of turning things around. Sometimes it's a long-range view, but every step in that direction is a step in the right direction. Love always. xoxoxo
Thanks, guys. Your love and support helps keep me afloat. I am doing a damned good job of drowning myself, so any words of encouragement are welcome words, indeed. Who knows what will happen in the future. Hopefully, I have not burned my last bridges at work. Hopefully (and I know this is not the case) I have not turned Meagan off forever. This is, indeed, powerful and baffling and insidious. It has kicked my butt and I am damned sick of it. I *must* take the proper steps. Steps, Steps, Steps.... The first Step is admitting to myself that I cannot control my disease. I think I have proved that to myself beyond a shadow of a doubt. I am not convinced that I can beat this. At this point in time, it seems much much larger than I. But I also know this: As time passes, as sober days accumulate, the beast begins to shrink. I need to put much time and space between me and my devils. It is the only way. It is all that I can do...if I want to maintain my sanity, my life and my loves.
You don't have to be convinced you can beat it. If we wait for assurances ahead of time, nothing changes. Of course you don't know. But you know you want to try, and that is the first step. Try today, try tomorrow, try the next day. Those days add up.
Bossiness alert: Don't romanticize your demons. Don't give them that strength, that name. It's waking up and saying "not today". Just not today. You can do that.
I have faith in you too. You can conquer your demon, I know it.
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