Sunday, December 31, 2006
I believe it was the ancient Greeks who maintained that human beings walked backwards to the Future. It seems quite logical to me. We don't know what the future holds, but we are intimately aware of both our Present and our Past. We see all that has unfolded in the seconds and minutes and days and weeks and months and years that have led us on this journey to the Present, but the Future is ambiguous, yet to be broken open from its plastic wrapping and entered. What will it bring, we wonder. Whatever it brings, it is brought upon a clean slate, and it is our will that determines what markings shall be made.
This is no truer than when one year shifts seemlessly to the next. The Past is the Past, the Present is fleeting and the Future is ours for the making. I have no resolutions for the new year, though. I'm, at this point in my life, compartmentalizing each day as a single unit. Just for today and one day at a time and easy does it and just fucking do it are all catch-phrases to which I subscribe, at this point in my life. I'm going to have to get on the Life is Beautiful soapbox again--sorry--because it is truer than an arrow. Things are beautiful and things happens for a reason. Sure, life throws curveballs--sometimes nasty curveballs which break from 12 o'clock to 6 o'clock and pass across the plate for a called third strike, leaving the batter (me) weak-kneed and cursing--but, that, my friends, is life. Life, though often beautiful, does not shine through rose-colored glasses at all times. But, as Stewart Smalley was wont to lisp, "That's...okay."
[he preaches to the choir and they roll their eyes]
Enjoy the transition and be safe. Happy New Year. Peace on earth. And goodwill to hookers. :-)
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Fuck it. I'll start off with a quotation from Papa Bear, anyway: "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." For Whom the Bell Tolls--1940.
The despot was executed yesterday. Saddam Hussein. (As an ancillary question, does this count as the third corner in the Celebrity Triangle of Death? Will Saddam be forever linked with Gerald Ford and James Brown? Or does the death have to be a natural one? I'm not really up on all the rules of the Death Trifecta board game. Fuck it. Saddam Hussein?! Come on down! You're the next contestant on the Triangle of Death!
Said the Devil.)
It warms my heart to see a man so-deservedly reap what he had sown. It truly does. Call me barbaric: I fully support capital punishment, in some instances. Saddam is the poster child for the justice of capital punishment. The son-of-a-bitch actually deserved to die thousands of times, but the laws of anatomical physics strictly forbid killing someone more than once. It's bullshit, but it's a law that we have to get behind: Once you're dead, you're dead. (Please don't ask Rasputin that; he would probably beg to differ.)
(I wonder if it would have been considered barbaric if they had brought Saddam to the edge of death umpteen times before finally extinguishing the fat spider's life. Probably, but ask the Kurds, and also ask the relatives of the men, women and children that Saddam had had killed during his career as an insanely violent dick. Er, dictator. They might have differing views on the situation.)
Remember the good old times, when Saddam was pulled from his "spider hole," the despot dirty and unshaven and twitchy with fear and anxiety? I do. That was the last time I felt anything akin to support for this infernal war. But I musn't get off-topic, here. (Too much material, not enough time. Plus, that Patriot Act has me biting my tongue in some instances. Patriot Act. Huh. Unintended irony, brought to you by the chimpanzee, Curious George. Now back to your previously-scheduled broadcast.)
Saddam took his execution ostensibly as a man. He refused the death-shroud and clutched a holy book before he was offed. The fucking gall of the man. When had he been devout? When had he been religious? Had it been when he gassed the Kurds? Had he been religious when he'd had his two sons-in-laws killed after promising them quarter if and when they came back to Iraq? Were his gaudy palaces his way of showing his devotion to his Lord? Living a jet-set lifestyle as his countrymen suffered greatly under the U.N. sanctions to which he refused to bow?
The man called himself a martyr before he was hung by the neck until dead. What a snake. What a fucking snake. Good riddance and all of that. With this boon to the war effort, we Americans should be out of that hellhole by 2029, at the absolute latest. Nothing like racheting up the timetable, eh?
By the way, Middle Easterners have a problem with feet. It's something like the height of insult to show a man the bottom of one's foot. With that in mind, Saddam? That foot at the top of the page is brought to you, with undying love. Non-peace, sir.
Saddam, rest in horror, dude. May the road rise up to grind you into meat and may the wind always be razor-sharp and bludgeoning at your back.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I think it's because I worked out with some free weights half an hour ago--maybe it's a flood of testosterone and endorphins--but, for whatever reason, I'm feeling pretty fucking violent at the moment. So, I'll write. Why not? This is my weblog, after all. (But I'll limit myself to no more than 10 paragraphs.)
The first shot took Rudolpho in the gut, doubling him over with terrific pain. The second shot sheared off half of his head, rendering the creme wall behind him an abstract painting of red blood and gray matter. He was dead before he hit the ground. Toodles let out a triumphant yowl. "Bring it, motherfuckers!" he screamed. "Bring it!"
Toodles double-clutched his sawed-off and cut down another of the "soldiers" as he ran for the door, all pride and honor forgotten. Toodles reached for more shells and, to his dismay, realized that he had used the last of them. He pawed at his pantleg and found his backup .22 to be gone, as well. He blended to the wall and sidled down the hallway, thankful that the enemies he faced were as dumb as a sack of rocks. In the dark, his right hand found a doorway and he slid into the room. It was the kitchen. He tip-toed comically to the island-counter and selected an 8-inch butcher's knife, its blade razor-sharp.
He crouched behind the counter and waited, his heart beating evenly in his chest. He heard approaching footsteps and suddenly the kitchen was bathed in light. "I gonna check in da kitchen," intoned Guido to his compatriot. "He gotta be 'roun' here, somewheres." As Guido shuffled, apelike, around the right side of the counter, Toodles crept along the left side, always keeping behind the centerpiece of the kitchen. As Guido turned to leave the kitchen, Toodles felt the bloodlust rise in his veins again and he sprang at Guido's retreating back, burying the blade to its hilt, through the man's back and into his right lung, rendering a scream impossible. Guido gasped for breath as Toodles pulled the blade free with a rocking/sawing motion. Guido collapsed to the floor, onto his back, blood oozing from his mouth, and Toodles rose above him, his blue eyes wild, the butcher knife clasped with a death-grip between both hands and he drove it down, with a ninja's strength, through Guido's skull, just above the dazed eyes and smack-dab between the tweezed black eyebrows. The knife broke off in Guido's cranium and Toodles shrugged. He tossed the handle into the corner, where it clattered up against the wall and was then still. He'd been trained well when he had been in Special Ops--he could make a weapon out of a piece of gum.
He settled on a Bic pen.
Rick Rattazoni had heard the commotion, apparently, and he burst into the kitchen. His gaze took in the big man Guido, dead on the floor, the fat end of the blade visible still through the seeping sluggish dark red blood, and his eyes widened. With a silent scream, Toodles swung the Bic pen in a tight arc, his aim uncanny as usual. Rattazoni staggered backward, feebly clutching at the pen that was now buried through his left eye and into his brain, and he collapsed to the floor. He twitched twice and was still. As Toodles crept past the dying man, he paused long enough to kick him in the crotch. Three times. With increasing ferocity. The man's moans fell upon uninterested ears.
Toodles walked through the drughouse, preternaturally alert to any and all sounds. His highly-toned senses told him that he was alone...but not for long. Reinforcements would be arriving sooner than he would have liked. He had to get out of there. Prudence was the better part of valor, or some shit like that. He could never remember the saying.
As he walked out the back door, into the moonlit yard, again a free man, the pit bull watchdog growled. Chained to a tree, the dog was no threat to Toodles. But he had qualms about leaving a living soul alive after what they had done to him...and his wife. His innocent wife, for God's sake. They all had to pay, and canines were no exception.
Acting contrary to all of his instincts and training, Toodles paused and looked for a weapon. The dog growled again and lunged at him, snapping a foot short, teeth flashing white in the moonlight. Toodles' internal clock was blinking red. He had to go. There was no time to find a weapon. He shrugged and advanced on the dog whose only purpose in its heretofore-uneventful life had been to protect the house and its inhabitants. It could hardly be faulted for failing to protect them tonight, though, seeing as how it had been chained to a tree throughout the festivities. No quarter, thought Toodles. No fucking quarter.
His kick caught the dog square in the snout and it yelped with pain. As the dog reeled backwards, Toodles followed its movement and secured its strong neck in the crook of his beefy right arm. The dog tried fruitlessly to snap at Toodles; he held it in a firm grip. He flexed and twisted and heard the satisfying crack and the dog went limp in his arms. He allowed it to slide to the ground, covered in its own filth.
"Sorry, Charlie. You are who you hang with." With that, Toodles disappeared like a ghost into the night.
Ah.... Much better. Who needs anger management classes? Just write them out and watch the emotions disappear into the night sky, as gossamer as spiderwebs.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
We're 66.666666666667% there. First the Godfather of Soul and now the Godfather of the Pratfall, President Ford. Who will complete the Celebrity Triangle of Death? Who's sick out there? I wait with bated breath.
Rest in peace, Gerald. You seemed like you had been an earnest, albeit comic, man.
[a feeling of deja vu washes over the 'blogger. he hopes he did not piss off the spirits.]
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
So I've done this three or four times, yet each time I do it, it is like a gift. It sucks to drive in there, but when you hear that you have the day off, your feet feel lighter than air and a smile touches your lips.
I got to work today at two
Ready to work with flammable gas
"You don't have to work, so buh-bye to you"
I exit stage-left feeling just like an ass
(I think I like limericks better.)
I got to work today at two
Ready to make more money new
My boss looked at me and stifled a grin
and said "Dude, why'd you even come in?"
I stammered a something and looked at my shoe and as I left his smile grew
(I am completely brain-dead today. I don't even think I wrote that in the right rhyming pattern. Shit, I haven't eaten enough today. Well, I can't fuck up a haiku, can I?"
man goes in to work
sees that he is scheduled off
leaves; wipes egg off face
There. Maybe I'll take Louie for a walk or to the tennis courts so that he can get some much-needed exercise. Happy Tuesday to everyone.
Monday, December 25, 2006
On to a more uplifting topic: It is Christmas Day. Believe me, I didn't stay up all night, waiting to see if I could hear the jingle of bells and/or see the dark shape of a flying sleigh inking across the early-morning sky. Nope, I just woke up early, for no apparent reason.
I love Christmas mornings. Always have. Back in the day, it was because I was guaranteed to get gifts and, to me, getting gifts was what it was all about. Sure, I'd gone to a Catholic grade school and so I was well-versed in the real Reason for the Season, but that, to me, was somewhat secondary. I'd bought in to the maelstrom of exchanging of gifts and the materialistic Yuletide Yearnings. I have changed a bit, since I was 12 and 13. (Thank God! If I still had the same mentality, things would be--shall we say?--a little wrong, a little off.)
Now I see it as a time to get together with family whom I don't see nearly enough and a time to basically just spend with each other. The gifts are secondary to me, now. Actually, the gifts are now bumped down to number three on my list, after Family and Jesus. It is what it is. I have had a bit of a spiritual re-awakening, recently, and I have, without reserve and quite willingly, welcomed Jesus and the Lord into my heart. And I feel good about that. I feel no shame nor do I feel less-than to admit that fact.
[Emotional Blatherings Alert]
How could I feel shame over the acceptance? I am in the process of receiving the greatest gift I could ever receive: A new outlook on life. That doesn't come 'round every day. I believe that things most-definitely happen for a reason and I believe that God and/or Jesus work through people and/or events to gently mold a human being's life into the shape in which it had been meant. I believe this, too: A couple/three weeks ago, I was reaching the end of my rope. I had been treading water in the same vat of quicksand for the last ten years and I was getting tired--physically, mentally and, without a doubt, spiritually. One night I was sitting at my computer desk, doing the same fucking thing I had done for the previous indeterminate days, and I remember looking to my left and seeing the picture of Jesus that my mom had painted 30+ years ago, the picture in which it seems His eyes follow me to all corners of the room and the picture in which His emotional makeup always seemed to mirror mine to a T. My eyes filled with tears of shame and frustration. I'd said aloud to the picture something like, "Jesus, I can't do this shit anymore. I'm just getting so fucking sick and tired of this life. It's pointless. My left arm ain't working like it should, I've been perilously close to arrest, my job performance is suffering and my supervisors seem to be getting tired of my shenanigans. I need help, Jesus."
This is not to say that there had been a bright flash of life and I had miraculously leapt to my feet and clicked my heels together and skipped whistling into the sunset. No. But I will say this: I think that I, with the help of a Higher Power (sorry, but it seems to be true), had planted a seed in my mind, a seed which would bear fruit a few days later when I voluntarily checked myself in to a place in which they deal specifically with dependencies. Thus starting myself on the path to a life with far more beauty and far less internally-generated suffering.
So on this Christmas Day, I may not get the train set that I'd wanted, nor the remote control car upon which I had had my eyes. I may not get any clothes and I may not get any gift certificates. Hell, I'm good with that. Give me a box of Ramen noodles and I'd still be good with that. I've gotten the greatest gift for which I could even have hoped to ask: A loving family and a genuine foot in the right direction towards the Utopia of Sobriety.
Is Sobriety a Utopia? Oftentimes, not at all. Is the alternative the virtual antithesis of Utopia? Without a doubt.
So, that's that. I awoke early today and I saw neither reindeer in the sky nor fat ageless elves zipping down chimneys. It doesn't matter to me; I believe that I've gotten my gift already....
I think my sister is going to get me some Ramen noodles. Rock on!
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO-HOE-WHORE!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Best boy ever. Lou-dog turned three years old yesterday. What a Christmas gift he was three years ago yesterday.
Months earlier, my roommate's pedigree Boxer, Roxy, had had her innocence taken by the mostly-pit bull from the other side of the fence. I remember how it was that morning when my roommate Pablo looked out the back door and said, "Oh shit!" He'd torn open the sliding glass back door and I could hear him shouting, "Get outta here! Go!" Hungover and tired, I'd risen wearily from the kitchen table, chewing my tasteless Raisin Bran, and had gone to the door to see what was going on.
Roxy and another dog were facing away from each other yet were still entwined, if you can dig it. I guess Roxy had liked what she'd been getting--her love fist had clamped down. Hard. Pablo'd ended up spraying the steaming junction with cold hose water and that eventually did the trick. Seperated, his duty done, the interloper had bolted across the backyard and had cleared the fence back to his home. His leap o'er the fence seemed, to me, to have had a satiated quality to it, like he was lighter than air.
Thus was Lou conceived, along with three brothers and four sisters.
In the three years since, I have been blessed with a companion, a clown, a constant friend.
I know that everyone feels that his or her dog is the bestest dog ever. I get that. It's called Love. But I have something to say, and, sure, it may be greeted with skepticism or outright derision, but I'll say it anyway, because I believe, in my heart of hearts [sob] that I'm as right as rain: LOU IS THE BEST DOG EVER. BAR NONE. NO DOG CAN EVEN COME CLOSE TO MY LOU-DOG.
There. If you have any feedback or any moping "No he's not"s, you are pleasantly directed to the comments section. I'll read over your drivel and dismiss it as madness, but, uh, go ahead and get your pointless fallacies off your chest. If it'll make you feel any better.
Happy happy birthday, Lou! I'm lucky to have you, dude!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
I'm not good at finances. I'm really really not. Math is not my strong suit. Add to that the fact that I'm lazy when it comes to balancing my checkbook and I have often balanced said checkbook whilst intoxicated and the possibility (the likelihood) of error is raised exponentially.
I dragged my sick sniffling ass to my checkbook earlier this morning and cracked my knuckles, ready to wallow--just in time for the Yuletide celebrations--in the despair of a negative balance. Yes, that happens, sometimes. And, seeing as how I'd been "out of action" for ten days, I figured it was a given that I'd be in the red. Now that I think about it, though, ten days away from my money seems that it would have had the opposite effect.
I went to work on my checkbook, crossing off all the paid checks and circling all the outstanding checks. (Yes, this is Balancing Checkbook 101--pay attention, please.) As the end result became clearer, my wondering eyes took in what at first seemed to be a hallucination. That thought was dispatched rather quickly when the creature slapped his cane against my shin, causing me to slowly close my eyes with pain. I opened my peepers and he/it/the creature was still there in my kitchen, as real as day, staring up at me.
I looked down at him, my eyes wide, a line of spittle dangling from my quivering lower lip.
'Twas the Monopoly Man.
Replete in an ill-fitting suit and a dingy top hat, the Monopoly Man--let's call him Melvin--removed his monocle and polished it on his pantleg. He popped the monocle back over his left eye and cleared his little throat before he said, "Bank error in your favor, asshole."
I goggled at the little man, surely no taller than three-and-a-half-feet tall.
"What'd I grow tits, dickhead?" he rasped. "Close your mouth; you're drawing flies." He slapped his cane against my other shin and the burst of pain caused my mouth to shut with a snap; I clipped the end of my tongue with my teeth.
As the taste of warm blood seeped into my maw, the little bald man continued. "Consider yourself lucky, moron. You had no freaking idea in what state your finances were yet you came out rosy. You have an extra $238 in your account. Now you can be the Santa you want to be instead of the Grinch you thought you'd had to be. Shower up, numbnuts, and get your ass in gear. There's shopping to do."
Cognizance began to filter back into my shocked brain. I opened my mouth to speak and, as I struggled for words, the Monopoly Man winked out of existence with an audible pop. I gawked; he was gone. The only evidence that the creature had been in my kitchen at all was the pain radiating throughout my shins and a small pile of--for lack of a better word--droppings where Melvin had stood. Yes. Droppings. The Monopoly Man had left me with my own little Christmas present--he'd taken a quick shit on my kitchen floor. (And I'd never even noticed him dropping his pants!)
Similar in shape and size to rabbit droppings, that was where the similarities ended. The stench was unbearable and the size of the shit belied its density and its weight. The small pile had to weigh at least 20 pounds. I scooped it up in a doubled-up paper towel and carried it to the bathroom. My dog, Lou, shied away as I approached and I can say, with all honesty, that I did not blame him one bit. I set the prize gently in the toilet bowl and flushed. (Try flushing 20 pounds of ectoplasmic excrement down a normal toilet; it doesn't work. But that's a story for another day.)
I have shopping to do. Thanks, Melvin! :-)
Friday, December 22, 2006
All that talk about having a cold and I think I sympathetically garnered one, just for you. *smile*
Colds suck. And this weather isn't helping any. Fucking rain and lowered temperatures. Here's an assignment, class: Pretend that you are playing an imaginary violin and aim it in my general direction. (I live near Detroit, so aim accordingly.) After you play a few imaginary chords, ask, aloud, to your computer monitor, "Adam? Would you like some cheese with your whine?" If you're at work and you think you would feel a little self-conscious doing that, go the ASL website and learn how to sign it in my general direction.
Hi, my name is Adam, and I'm a pussy. "Hi, Pussy!"
I'm really really really truly not a fan of being sick. It makes smoking ciggies that much more difficult. Want some unintended irony? Other names for cigarettes include "straights" and "faggots." Is it just me, or that ironic as hell?
I have three days to kick this cold to the kerb. I can do it. (And, yes, this is *all* about me. It's a weblog, for crissakes!)
Okay. Time to go to a meeting. Peace.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Is "insomnia" the most evil-looking word in the English language. Or does "cunt" hold that crown?
Were the Victorians the first to come up with the idea of underwear? And was it made of inpenetrable metals?
Why couldn't we just take a cue from the Native Americans and use tobacco only as a ritualistic drug?
Which came first the egg or the chicken?
And why did the chicken cross the road?
What the fuck was so damned important about the other side?
Are there legitimate mediums or are they just greenback-vacuums of suckas?
Why is it so blissful to walk around an apartment nekked as a jaybird?
And why are jaybirds singled out for being nekked?
And what the fuck is a jaybird? A blue jay? A marijuana-happy avian?
Why does it seem--every year--that money becomes transparent and disappears every holiday season?
Were the creators of those Phonics books trying to pull a fast one on the American public by naming the kid "Dick?"
And wasn't the cat named "Muff?"
And the dog named "Hard-on?"
Yeah. Those Phonics dudes thought they were slick, I'll bet.
Why is going back to work after a long layoff such a nerve-wracking event?
Is a "baker's dozen" equivalent to seven?
Why would scientists ever have come up with the malady of trans fats? Fuck shelf-life; these are people's arteries that we're talking about!
Is AA in the Guinness Book of World Records for "The Most Blatant Abuser of Cliches?"
Have you ever let go and let God?
How about taken it one day at a time?
Have you ever faked it till you made it?
Have you ever lived by the slogan, the axiom, "Just for Today?"
Have you ever wondered what tomorrow would bring?
Who was the first person to practice skatology and what the hell happened to him or her in his or her formative years?
Do we even want to go there?
Have you ever lived on reds, vitamin Cs and cocaine?
Were you aware that "Grateful Dead" and "Led Zeppelin" are both plays on words?
Were you aware that Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix all died at the age of 27 and all three names have four syllables and all begin with the letter "J?"
Did a goose just walk over your grave?
Will I be able to get the fuck back to sleep?
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
...And I'm a coffee-aholic."
This is ridiculous. I went without caffeine for ten days and, once I'm sprung from my benevolent prison, I go nuts with the coffee. It all started when I was getting a ride home from a friend from the clinic and we stopped at a Caribou Coffee to garner some joe. I got something called a Turtle Chino, or some shit like that, and--bam!--it was off to the races. This is ridiculous and this is amazing.
I do believe that I would be better off to simply install a coffee IV into my veins. It would be quicker, that way. Cigarettes and coffee: Sustinence of champions.
I've drank so much fucking coffe during the last two-three days, I've had the equivalent of three or four good solid coffee enemas. "Solid" might be a misnomer. Believe me, it's nothing for which one would hope. On the plus side, if there were any toxins left in my body, they're long-gone, now! Buh-bye.
I wonder if caffeine would be classified as a "mood-altering" drug. At the 'Grove, the techs told us that we--the patients--would never be able to injest a mood-altering drug safely for the rest of our natural-born lives. I'm, uh, starting to see what they meant.
Too, does the computer count as a mood-alterant? This is what I have done for the last two-three days, in order of frequency: Smoked, drank coffee, banged on the computer keyboard, eaten oh-so-sporadically and gone to Anonymous meetings.
I am so damn Jacked-up on caffeine right now, I'm halfway up the fucking beanstalk. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Have you ever seen, Dear Reader, that "Seinfeld" episode in which Kramer settles a lawsuit with a coffee place out of court for a lifetime's worth of expressos? "WhatamItalkingfast? Idon'tthinkI'mtalkingfast. Maybealittle." And then he speedwalks down the sidewalk and the studio audience chortles with laughter?
Well, it's funnier on the boobtube.
My poor assaulted stomach is looking up my esophagus and wincing. "Get ready, large intestine," it says, "we've got MIGs at 12 o'clock." And then both the stomach and the large intestine pop open fruitless Wile E. Coyote cartoon umbrellas and brace for the worst. A waterfall of java cascades down the chute and drenches them both. "Reinforcements! Reinforcements!" screams the stomach. The small intestine clambers to their sides and offers its help. "Piss off, kid," says the large intestine, "you're too little."
Have you ever drank so much caffeine that your eyes begin to come unfocused? It's kind of trippy, in a way.
Fuck this. I'm gonna switch to decaf.
lifejackets during stressful times. They're comic relief. They're a lot of other things, but I'm running out of time, here.
Lou is three days shy of his third birthday--December 23rd. According to doggy dynamics, his third birthday should equal about approximately around 21 human years. So. I'd been planning to take him out to some bars in downtown Royal Oak and get his ass all fucked up on shots and beer, but, sadly, that plan will not be consumated. I was looking forward to it, too. I've never seen the kid drunk. I've seen him buzzed a couple of times, but that doesn't really count because he was at home, in the apartment, and it was an ostensibly safe environment. I was actually looking forward to seeing how King Lou interacted with the bitches after he'd had a few too many. I was wondering if it was going to be a like-father-like-son-type-of-thing. Not that I interact with bitches, you see. I interact with women and ladies, but Lou is a canine and so he interacts with bitches although, sadly, not much goes on down there for him, seeing as how he was snipped at an early age. Poor kid.
So, yeah. Pets are cool. I'm going to make this an interactive weblog posting. Does anybody out there in Cyberland have any interesting anecdotes to share about their beloved pets? Come on. Don't be shy. Step right up to the microphone and let loose. Without talking, emotions get bottled up. Talking/typing is very cathartic.
The floor is yours....
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
My dog is lying on his back right now, with his feet stuck up in the air! Hahahahaha!
Wouldn't it be funny if Goofy and Maramaduke and Scooby Doo roomed together and tried to raise a human baby girl on their own, without a bitch? We could call it "Three Cartoon Dogs and a Real-Live Baby." I'm sure it would be a box office sensation. Sensation, I say!
To your right, you will see a ladder. See? ------------------------------------->
Sadly, ladders aren't all that funny. They're pretty utilitarian, if you ask me. Besides, how often have you seen a ladder doing stand-up at the Laff Factory? If you say that you've seen a ladder doing stand-up at the Laff Factory, you're either lying through your teeth or you're on some good gosh-damned psychedelic drugs. Yeah. That, or you're quite mad. Welcome to the meeting; welcome to the table; pull up a chair and enjoy yourself.
Have you ever heard the one about the priest, the rabbi, the hooker, the toaster-oven, the welcome mat, the baseball bat, the dildo, the diaphragm and the sparrow? Yeah. Me either. But I'm sure it'd be pretty funny. But only if a good joke-teller told it. Other than that, the joke would fall flat on its metaphorical face. Seriously. Splat.
This is what is called diarrhea of the fingertips. Nothing of substance is emitted; it's all cloudy and nebulous. (Damn. I think I just grossed myself out. "Cloudy" and "nebulous?" Gag.)
Time to wipe. Peace.
Monday, December 18, 2006
I'm out. Ten days in a rehabilitation center which, at times, was as surreal as anything I have ever experienced. People hear the word "addict" and an unsavory image probably swims to their forebrain. Let me tell you this: I was in there from the 8th until today, the 18th, and I can say with certainty that I have never met a group of people, with such varying socioeconomic backgrounds, who pulled for each other as much as this group at Maplegrove did. We had solidarity. Which, to me, is obvious, because we all face the same problem: Addiction. Be it alcohol or crack or powder or smack, we all bend to the weight of the King Kongs on our backs.
During the ten days, with six to seven hours of lecture and meetings per day, I began to feel the weight of the massive gorilla lessen on my back and I began to be able to walk more upright, with my shoulders square to face the world and whatever it had to throw at me. I'm not going to lie. I still have a monkey on my back; I still have a problem and will ALWAYS have a problem with mood-altering drugs. But I was given the tools to combat the Beast, the tools to chip away at its knees. And I feel damn good about that. All the cliches in the world were spoken at Maplegrove. You've heard them, I'm sure. But it all boils down to this: One day at a time. And that's as true as an arrow.
It was the best decision I've ever made. Life may not be rosy all the time--in fact, it often sucks ass--but to face it with a clear head and to be sober is paramount in my life, right now.
Anyway, I had a lot of time on my hands when I was in there and I fell into writing poetry. Some poems are dark and some are uplifting. Some are comical--naw. I wasn't exactly in a joking mood, in regards to literature. Here are a few poems, for the most part chronologically-posted, for your perusal:
"Maplegrove" Tuesday 3:16AM
give us your swillers
your poppers your
your rollers your
huddled *missed* slackers
with patience tough
love and learn-ed
the lame may turn
strong (and but
o' but one sacred *Life*
is given to all; with patience
we will *all* become factors
"Alive" Tuesday 6:16AM
alive. bipedal arm-swinging
life-forms capable of both
great Love and great Malice
--God, Yaweh, Buddha, Mohammed--
a brilliant sunrise, a sobering sunset
all give and give us bipedal
arm-swingers Free Will and
the wrapped, bowed gift of
"As Hard as I Can" Tuesday 9:20PM
as hard as i can i
slam my fist into the
off-colored Wall of Denial and
my fist shatters
chrystalline like glass and
the wall follows suit
fist and wall flutter to floor
in a puff of
where my hand had been is
now just a bloodless
and it seeks to fill the void
pushing sliding ever-so
it smooths into the void and
encounters the Abyss
what is behind this blank portal
one way to go. forward
"The Sobering Reality" Tuesday 10:00PM
reality comes in many forms
some are just more
in a clinic in the hoity-toits
of the hand-state a man
was admitted wearing the green of Hospital...
his movements were jerky and
his thoughts were
his liver was frazzled and
sizzled like bacon
cirrhosis of the liver
and i wondered if an end-game
scenario like that could
lead like a shepherd the sheep
could the toxins that the liver failed
to metabolize cause one to go insane?
i didn't want to know but I
sure as Hell was not going to shun him
"The Sleeping Beast"
a sense of melancholy
pervades my soul
yet a distant hopeful flare
lights the night-day sky
i feel as though i am
on the verge of losing a
very dear friend, one of whom
has been with me throughout
thin and thick over many years
though i grieve for my dear friend
i also silently, surreptitiously,
do somersaults and cartwheels
a wise doctor once said,
"one must tread quietly past
the sleeping Beast;
for one wants It to remain as It is"
"Self-Loathing" Wednesday 8:50AM
tell me what you think of this:
a man checks himself in to a clinic
for drinking, of all things,
looks in the mirror, sees
bald fat ugly fucker
staring back at him
fuck creativity and fuck
let the bitch have it with
a piece-of-shit motherfucking
checks himself in to a clinic
for drinking, of all things
looks in the mirror, sees
bald fat ugly fucker
with dead eyes
and little to no strength
"Check-Out Time" Wednesday 11:35PM
where does it all begin?
and when will it all end?
what shape will the Beast take
when the end-game draws nigh?
are there spheres of Distant
interspersed throughout our planes of Sense?
are we one with ourselves or
are we fighting until the end?
is that shadow a Being?
is that light-shaft a Portal?
can we walk into the Light
and zip ourselves up tight
pillowed against the destruction
of latching on to Energy?
should we even bother?
my throat--tight--tells me no
my mind--renewed--is again my enemy
when did it all begin?
and where will it end?
salud. adios. buh-bye. i'm checking out.
"Not-So Comfortably Numb" Wednesday 11:58PM
all of these negative fucking emotions
tumble back into my
band-box of a brain and
Rage says hello to Anxiety and
Depression slaps Fear on the back
like a good long-lost buddy
talk is of Fellowship and that
talk is just grand but
how does one join a blasted Fellowship
when one has isolated oneself
for so-very long?
i prefer Numbness to Angst
i'd rather bid farewell to Dash's years
than to slog through the taffy of Suffering
call me crazy--i don't like pain
better to die a loner's death
than to parry and proffer and get
shot down in flames...
this is about the fear of Rejection.
there. i made it easy for you.
i stand calm, smoking
from woods two coyotes shine
vanish in moonlight
"The Gray Haze Descends" Friday 1:16AM
the gray haze descends and i watch
with heavy-lidded lizard's eyes
i watch as a thin sheen of
buffers me from the Dark's forces
all worries slide silently away
as i watch the gray haze descend
chaos and catastrophies lose their solidity
they turn dark-gray and then blend
into the sheen
and then they are as ghosts
transparent, easy to fold up
and put in my pocket
i'll carry the Chaos with me always,
crinkled and creased with the
dust of many Years, wary
always, of its ability to unfold
and replace gray haze with the Red carpet of Hell
"Every Day Daily" Saturday 11:55PM
smack-forward to Present
busted lives, forgotten Love
to see suffering is to remember
--every day daily--
for the rest of the natural life
the power of and the wounds from the Beast
every day daily we need to tear apart
the scabbed dermis and probe
fingers through cavity
to forget is to die and
to remember is to daily-live
throughout heartaches and loss and
throughout Light-filled times
our Darkness must be omnipresent
we must hold it close to our breast
as tenderly as a baby bird,
careful not to crush it yet strong
enough to keep it caged
every day daily
next to our heart. where it belongs
"Foxholes" Sunday 9:15PM
you make fast friends in foxholes
thrown together by varying circumstances
relationships borne of strife
cemented with a common goal
a flashing neon sign in the temporal lobe:
you make fast friends in foxholes
with the rockets booming overhead
and the grenades of Addiction
showering dirty souls slow-motion-up
into the air and
back down with a
forged with a common goal
and Light begins to filter
back into Darkened lives
the Beast of Burden caterwauls
and dissolves but slowly
but, that's fine:
we have Time on our sides
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Did I stutter?
Every day, I think about my zebra. Fastidious. Gallant. He is a physical specimen, he is my Zorro.
I gathered my smooth head back from the pane of glass and I looked at my dog, Lou, who looked back at me, unflinchingly. "Just gimme a second, dude," I said.
Kudos to Lou--he gave me a second and many more.
Listen: I live in Clawson, Michigan, and I know, on one level, that zebras are not common fauna. My Zorro is real, and if you backtalk, we'll have to have a palaver. Naw, yes, naw, yes.
Open your mind, if you will, and accept the possibility of a zebra in a northern United States state. Personally, I look at my Zorro and I see nothing--not a gosh-damned thing--amiss. Queer, isn't it, how one man's internal skill set differs from another's? Really, I'm preaching to the choir, here.
Today, nobody bothered me about my zebra, for which I am eternally grateful. Understand that I never wanted Zorro as a pet.
Vicious, isn't it, the depths to which one will sink to maintain the wool over one's eyes? "Wow," I said to my reflection.
Xerox this into your brain, Dear-Reader: Life is what you make of it.
Zorro approved and Jesus wept and then we all ran around the mulberry bush, panting throughout.
Monday, December 04, 2006
I have W.A. Mozart blaring through my computer's speakers. If there were ever a "musical Prozac," this dude, Wolfgang, would corner the market.
It is difficult to put into words the feelings I get when I listen to Wolfie. It's kinda like this: There is no way in the heavens that such TALENT should exist. The rise and fall of the melody, the cut/scratches of the violins, the blissful rise of the horn section, the meandering cellos....
It IS musical Prozac. Whoever "coined" that phrase needs a raise.
[He throws his two cents into the fountain, shrugs, slams his hands in his pockets, and walks down the road.]
Saturday, December 02, 2006
[READ THE POST BELOW, FIRST, PLEASE, IF YOU MAY. THANKS]
The gasman gazed down the dark stairwell, completely cognizant, on one level, of what the princess had told him. He was not to go down these stairs. On another, wholly untethered, level of his brain, he knew that he must go down these stairs. The answer to the unasked mystery lay at the bottom of the out-of-kilter stone steps.
He started down the stairwell and, as soon as he took his first step, the warm fuzzy feeling of floating deserted him and every step he took was like that of the mermaid of Anderssen lore. Every step was a razor blade in the bottom of his booted feet. His work boots did nothing to quell the psychic pain. He counted the steps as he descended into the gloom.
At step number sixty-six, he reached the bottom. Though he could not see his hand in front of his face, he sensed, he knew, that the forbidden door was before him. This door was the antithesis to the radiant welcoming door to the front of the castle. Whereas that door had virtually burst forth with warmth and good feelings, this door acted almost as a vacuum, sucking the life and love and vigor and verve from the gasman.
With trembling fingers, he pushed forward and the door swung open easily on well-oiled hinges.
After the gloom of the stairwell, his eyes took a moment to adjust to the red-orange glare of the stinking cavernous room. Although it could hardly be called a room. Defying all rules of perspective and space, the walls were a thousand miles away and the ceiling was a vague blur in the heavens. But, as the gasman saw, this was not heaven, this was hell.
Men, in all getup of bondage sweated and strained to move boulders that fell back into place and strove to stoke fires that roared when they approached. The gasman noticed, above all, the insectile whine of the laborers. They had lost the ability to speak; they were now simple pawns at the command of the scantily-clad women. The gasman noticed the princess and tried, unobtrusively, to reach her--to perhaps have her help him.
As he slunk along the wall, he was grabbed from behind, by an insanely-strong woman and bum-rushed to the princess's side. The princess looked down at the gasman with nary a glint of pity and her lips curled into an evil smile.
"I specifically forbade you to use those stairs, gasman. You disobeyed my order and now you will pay. With your soul."
As the gasman watched with horror, the princess's face began to melt, losing her beauty, transforming her, in mere moments, into one the unspeakables that had haunted the gasman in his dreams.
As he opened his mouth to shriek, a hand clambered from behind him, up his leg, and gripped, in a vise-grip, his manhood. Reins were slammed into his mouth and he fainted to the floor.
Why did I write this story? Well, believe it or not, this was based on actual events. Okay, "based" is probably the wrong word. Let's just say that I was inspired by real-life events to write this rather grim fairy tale. And, yes, it all comes back to what I do for a living.
Last night at about six at night, I went to a woman's house to turn on her gas. She was extremely flirtatious and quite good-looking, too. She'd asked if I could light the pilots, too. I said sure and followed her into the kitchen, wherewithin she opened a closet door and said, they're here, right? "They" were the furnace and the water heater and, yes, they were there.
She bent down, in her tight black--accentuating--pants and took the bottom door off the furnace. No, I told her, that door needs to stay on, so that it presses against the switch that will allow electricity to flow to the automatic spark ignition.
She shrugged and said, "See? I'm a girl. I don't know any of this stuff!"
I answered, "Well, I'm a guy and I don't know a damn thing about fixing cars. It's all individual knowledge, not women knowing some things and men knowing other things."
She moved closer to me and I could smell her perfume. Our arms were almost touching. Damn, I thought, this could get interesting. It did. I got the furnace ostensibly going--it was an auto-ignition furnace; there wasn't anything I needed to do, and I told her to have a good night and I started towards the door.
She hugged me from behind, pressing her breasts against my back. That got a rise out of me...in a good way, though. I turned and smiled and I asked her for her number. She laughed and said sure and that she'd never done this before. I said, me either, Karen. We exchanged numbers, and I got paged for a damn gas leak. I told her that I has to go and she smiled and moved closer. "Gimme a hug, Adam," she said.
Why the hell not, I thought, so I moved in for a hug. We embraced and she told me that I was adorable and she moved her lips towards mine. God knows I wanted to, but something seemed pretty fucking wrong about kissing a customer, so I turned my head at the last minute and she ended up kissing my cheek. She reiterated that I was adorable and we set up maybe something for the next day. I walked to my van with a hard-on pressing against my jeans and praising God.
On the way to the leak, she called me on my cell and told me that her furnace had still not kicked on. I told her that it had been off for ten days and that the air needed to be worked out of the lines. As I drove to the leak, she filled me in on her greatest assests--her pencil-stub nipples and relayed to me that, besides the hair on her head, she was totally hairless. She asked me if that was a problem. Hell no, I said, as I drove with my dick. I told her I had a question for her. I asked her if she liked bald guys. She almost squealed. Oh my God, she said, I was just going to ask you that! I love bald guys...their smooth heads. I love to kiss their smooth heads.
Speaking of heads, I was thinking with the wrong one, apparently.
She called me twice today, saying that her furnace was out again. I repeated what I had said 32 times the night before: The bottom door has to be snug against the electrical shut-off button. I told her that when I came over later, I would take a look at it. But it's freezing here, she said. Then call the 800-number, I told her. Tell them that you have no gas coming to your furnace. I was actually trying to hook her up, seeing as how I knew that there was gas coming in and I pretty knew what the problem was. She called again later, saying that the furnace was out again. Did she want me to come over? I asked her, see if I could fix whatever ailed the furnace, reminding her, again, that I was not trained to repair furnaces. We went around the rosemary bush again (did I mention that she is as shaved as a baby seal?) and eventually I told her that I would call her at four, to set something up for tonight.
Meanwhile, I went and washed my car and vacuumed the inside and slathered Armor-All around the interior. On the way back to my apartment, I picked up a small box of Whitman's chocolates--just eight pieces, don't worry--and then I paced around my apartment until 4:00 came. (Yes, I'm a nervous loon.) For the first time in the three times that I had called her, the call went to voice-mail. I left a message saying, "Hi, Karen, this is Adam...uh, just give me a call when you can. Peace. Bye."
The ball was in her court.
I erased all the incoming and outcoming logs on my telephone and burned the two pieces of paper that had had her number written on them. Though I'm on the wagon, I didn't want the possibility of getting drunk one day down the line and drunk calling the fine upstanding woman who I met while on the job.
Maybe it was a mistake, I told myself. Maybe she was out doing grocery shopping or something like that. But I had told her 4:00, and she'd repeated 4:00.
At this point in time, as I type this comma, I'm thinking it a con job. How fucking low can you go? And I'm not talking about that dance where you kinda shuffle along on the tips of your feet under a pole.
How low can you possibly go?
--THE END END
Postscript--Yes, I had a feeling that it was too good to be true. But. I'll tell you this: If I ever get that address on Warwick Sreet again--and, yes, I remember the address as clear as day; I'm a loser--I'll head towards it and then, oops, somehow, it must have gotten deleted. Wow! The damndest things happen, sometimes, in this line of work! Oh well, she'll call back, and have to suffer through all the phonepad navigations. Wah-fucking-wah.
P.T. Barnum is reported to have once quipped, "A sucker is born every minute." I'll add to that, P.T., if I may: If a sucker is horny as hell and a pretty woman shows him some attention and talks all sexy-like, a sucker is born every five seconds. And that sucker goes home with blue-balls betwixt his legs.
Anyone want some chocolates?
Post-postscript--In her defense, though, she was good at what she did. She certainly had me going! :-)
Once upon a time, in the Land of Poppies, a gas serviceman fell through a hole in the ground that he, obviously, had not seen. He fell, flailing and cursing, down through the deepening darkening depths--for what seemed like forever--until he finally landed, clumsily, at the foot of a moat surrounding a beautiful castle. He picked himself up and absently dusted his posterior as he gazed with wide wondah at the shimmering facade before him.
His boots clacked and clunked as he crossed the wooden bridge. From beneath the bridge a gravelly voice intoned: "He whoever should cross this bridge, Shall cast away hope and all will to live." The gasman nervously eyed the sparkling blue water and noticed an innocuous turtle on a rock. The.turtle.blinked.slowly.and.withdrew.its.head. The gasman shrugged and continued across the bridge, not noticing the turtle transform into a silently gibbering demon. When the gasman set his second boot on the dry grass surrounding the castle, the bridge behind him ceased to exist, as did the demon. The gasman spun around and his previous wonder became a festering sense of dread. But, no way back, time to go forward.
The gasman walked through the fields of poppies and a short trip became surprisingly long. Finally, after a fortnight, he reached the castle's doors. He was exhausted and terribly hungry and as dehydrated as a grain of sand. He managed enough strength to feebly bump the clapper on the huge wooden doors.
They immediately opened and a brilliant light radiated from within. The gasman shielded his eyes and spoke to the light: "Could you, uh, help me, please? I'm lost and I'm thristy, and I haven't eaten in about two weeks."
"Come," said a voice from the light. A beautiful female voice, tinkling with bells and warming energies.
The gasman felt invigorated. He came.
As he crossed the threshold, he noticed a brilliant white orb inexorably floating down and around the spiral staircase. As it grew nearer, he saw features begin to form. A beautiful princess emerged from the light.
"Are...are you God?" he asked.
A tinkle of bells. "No, silly. I am not God. Come, though," she breathed into his ear.
The gasman felt even more invigorated. He came.
"I am Kassandra," the beautiful princess breathed. "You are welcome to all that we have to offer. We will get you back to your home and to your loved ones. But there is one condition."
The gasman waited, entranced by her beauty.
When she knew that she had hie rapt "attention," the princess continued. "You are welcome to all we have to offer but you must not, under any circumstances, descend the stairs to the basement. Do you understand, dear gasman?"
The gasman nodded his assent, mouth agape, hypnotized by her beauty. A thin strand of spittle hung from his lower lip and an unseen gnarled hand flashed from the shadows and snatched it from his lip. The sound of a struggle and obscene smacking noises went unheeded by the transfixed gasman.
"I will show you to your room," spoke the princess.
The next (how long? who knows?) passed in a pleasurable blur for the gasman. Extravagent meals were served by scantily-clad nymphos and there was a seemingly-endless supply of mead.
The gasman grew fat with both desire and sloth.
One night, he jerked awake from a nightmare, his body slick with sweat and a scream trapped behind his teeth. His body shivered with fear.
In the dream, he had seen himself, running through taffy fields of poppies, casting anguished glances over his shoulder. Behind him, tracking him, hunting him, had been scores of goblins and monsters and unspeakables. The beings were put together wrong; that's all his dreaming mind would allow the gasman to understand. The beings were put together wrong. As they gained, he tore himself from his dreaming mind and gasped breath to the cathedral ceiling.
You must not, under any circumstances, descend the stairs to the basement, echoed the princess's voice.
The gasman rose unsteadily to his feet and, as if drawn by a powerful magnet, started towards the basement stairs. Though the way to the basement stairs was fraught with many uneven cobblestones and his knees ached in response, the gasman felt that he was being drawn gently, floating, in fact, to the forbidden zone. In three blinks of an eye, he was at the yawning precipice of the forbidden stairwell.
***to be continued***
("Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog.")
Cue the dramatic music, please...thanks.
The word itself looks kind of malevolent, kind of fucked-up. It looks like Creeping Death (Thanks, Metallica! :-)) Like you open the fridge for a late-late-late night snack and, when the door swings silently shut, there is Insomnia, sildling from the shadows like an inky ink...blob. And Insomnia does silently bwhahahaha as it props open one's eyelids with toothpicks. (Thanks, Stanley Kubrick! :-))
It brings chills to my sleeping body. Wait, that's right. I'm wide-ass awake. (<--"Wide-ass" awake? Not a pretty picture, to say the least.)
From what I've heard and read, when one suffers from insomnia, one should not lie in one's bed and toss and turn and wait for the god Narcos to get his pickled ass in gear. Rather, one should rise from one's bed, where the bugs seem to be crawling (Thanks, Louie! :-)) and do something, anything, rather than focus on the elusively-prancing, devilish Shut-eye.
Like pop a sleeping pill. Nytol. I did. But, counteracting said "Night-All" are the four cups of java that I injested after the hour of 11:00PM. I've read somewhere that one cup of joe is equal, in caffeine, to six cups of cola. Lemme do the math. Shit, I only have twenty fingers and toes. I throw my earlobes and my testicles in there, too, then. Yep, the math all...uh...adds up: 24 cups of soda pop after 11:00PM.
Goofy says to a stupider animated character--like Britney Spears, say--"Wah, wah that doan seem to make too much sense-like. Wah."
Goofy? We're in agreeance. (Thanks, Fred Durst! :-))
Is their anything more painful than waiting for a sleeping pill to counteract an ergregious amount of late-night coffee? (Don't answer that, Mister Dahmer. *Please* don't answer that!)
Louie has no such problems. Here. I'll take his picture, real quick-like...it's at the top of the page. I'll wait whilst you scroll up.
Back? Good. What were we talking about? Oh. Oh yeah. The dark and shadowed beast the size of a mountain with the head the size of an apple: Insomnia. Maybe if I write the word enough times, in varying styles and schemes, I'll bore *myself* to sleep. Here goes:
Insomnia insomniad, "Insomnia! Insomnia insomniating insomnia's insomnia!"
Yes. I am, indeed, quite mad. Meet my roommates (besides the flea-riddled Lou-dog): the Mad Hatter, Tweedle-Dee, his brother Tweedle-Dum, Woody Woodpecker, Marmaduke, Bugs Bunny, Donald Duck Daffy Duck and Scrooge McDuck, Alvin and Simon and Theodore and the non-talkative chipmunks from Walt Disney (?), the buzzards who just keep asking each other "I dunno, whut di ye wunt ti do?", that pompous tiger Prince from Disney's "Robin Hood," and Roger Rabbit.
And, of course, Ren and Stimpy. Shit.
*You* try getting to sleep with all that going on!
Nyt All. *Snore*
it begins like this.
Life is a series of choices
Life is a jig-jag of missed
opportunities and seized
trundling box-cars and the
in a whipping motion as we cling for dear-fear
that we don't fall
tumble to the dusty iron tracks
and watch as the Train of Life clips us off
at the knees.
Life is a series of changes
brought about by choice.
take the fork less-traveled advised some fuck named
take this, Frost...i mean, nice idea, kind sir
Life is beautiful and Life sucks
air from our lungs; we turn blue and bluer and wonder
whence we can garner some oxygen
Life is fine and Life is coarse
strangers who huddle in shadows and toss pitchforks at our feet and push
us as we walk the tightrope between
Success and Loathing
and Failure and Happiness.
is what it is.
watch our strings!
as we lift our legs
throw our hands
to the heavens...who is in control?
Being good bores the
Hell out me.
Being bad puts it right back in
where it belongs.
take a chainsaw to the number thirteen and take a
chainsaw to the Devil in us all...
meet an appealing woman
ask her for a date tomorrow
buy her a chardonnay
silently seethingly suck a diet coke, which is
as appealing as sucking a flea off a dog's
look on the bright side, says the caring family
what fucking bright side, says the coke-swallower
you have a spring in your step, say they, and the sky is blue
spring this...i mean, yeah, you know? you're right!